Moment #1
I got an idea in my head for centerpieces/favors. I ran it by my Dad, my 13 year old niece, Emma, and Catie. Catie was like, "Sure." Dad and Emma both thought it was a cool idea.
In order to carry out this idea I needed to either scour rummage sales and goodwills for weeks on end, or scour Ebay. Clearly Ebay sounded easier. So even though the commitment ceremony is oh, um, 13.5 months away, I decided to start scouring Ebay immediately. And bid on 6 different auctions. By the next day I had already won one, and was winning 3 more. Yay! Right?
No. Not yay. Because suddenly I panicked and wondered if my idea was completely insane and would look ridiculous. And it was too late to turn back because I'd already bid on so many items.
So I dragged Catie to two different Goodwills so we could find enough of what I needed, fortunately we found enough. Then I made her stop at the grocery store to pick up flowers so we could get the full effect of what it would look like. Because, you know, I wasn't going to have enough time in the next 13.5 months to do this another day. It had to be done Right. Now.
Then I put together the centerpiece/favors. And, well...I kind of liked it. But I also kind of thought other people might find it bizarre. So I asked Catie what she thought. I don't know why, since frankly, she is totally apathetic when it comes to this sort of thing. And her initial reaction was that it looked a bit weird. So I changed it up a bit and we both liked it better, but now I was just full of uncertainties. I liked it, but...
So then I took a picture of it with iphone and texted it to my sister, Heather. Who didn't reply immediately. So then I called her 20 minutes later to tell her to check her texts. No, I wasn't acting totally nuts at all.
Fortunately, she liked it. Whew. Let the bidding continue.
Moment #2
Having an internal breakdown tonight when I realized my big day will apparently be sandwiched between the big days of 2 my cousins. All 3 happening in a 1 year time span, with mine in the middle.
Why did this cause me a mini-freakout/breakdown?
Because we have a lot of out of town family. Because I already feel like many in my family don't think of this as "real" simply because its not legal or because of religious ideas. Because most of our family isn't rolling in the dough and probably can't afford to come to town for 3 weddings in less than a year. Because if they are forced to chose, they aren't going to chose mine.
And frankly, all those thoughts make me feel like shit.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm very happy for my cousins. I'm very excited for them because I'm already learning what an incredible roller coaster of mostly fun times planning something like this is. And because I want everyone to know the joy I felt when Catie asked me to marry her, and I especially want that for my family. So of course I'm incredibly happy for them.
But, yeah..
This situation a little bit sucks for me. Its not like I can take back the deposit and the contract now, they've already been paid, signed, sealed and delivered, yo. The date is set. For better or worse. And in the end, its not like I'd change it even if I could. Which is probably how my cousins feel too. Its big their day. They should do it when, where and how they want.
And I should get over my insecurities.
Que sera, sera.
