At least you have a choice.

The next time you want to complain about how difficult it is for you get a green card or citizenship for your foreign husband or wife, remember this: AT LEAST YOU HAVE THAT OPTION.

Gay and Lesbian couples do not.

Catie and I live in the same country. Yay for us. We also both previously were in serious relationships with people who were not Americans. So while I'm quite glad that those relationships didn't work out, I'm not at all glad that marrying our former significant others and being able to get them legally into this country was a right we weren't allowed to have. While other couples in this country take it so much for granted that they actually complain about how difficult or expensive it is.

Thousands of Gay and Lesbian couples can't live in the same country, because they don't get the privilege of using marriage as a basis for getting their partners green cards or citizenship. They would pay 5 times as much as you did to be able to have their partners here.

So yeah, I don't really want to listen to you complain about cost or difficulty. At least it is an option for you. Be grateful for that.

Wedding or Commitment Ceremony

Wedding.

I am not inviting people to see Catie and I form a domestic partnership. This isn't a business agreement.

There is something terribly off sounding about the phrase commitment ceremony. It lacks the specific joy of joining two lives together, we could be committing to anything.

And this is not a civil union. It has nothing to do with the law.

This is a wedding.

If you believe you are equal, then act like you are. ~Cleve Jones

Wedding Related Bits and Pieces

First, if you get an email from me asking for your address info, please fill out the form and hit submit. You will save me a lot of time, and I will truly appreciate it. You could say I'm being lazy, I say I am being super efficient.

Second, a political season happening while I have "getting married" on the brain is making for a very angry Lesbian Bride. Most of the time when I get the urge to post lately, it would just turn into a political rant. So I don't bother. With the election close at hand though, I will say a couple of things:

1. Gays and Lesbians don't make up a special interest group. We are not asking for anything special. We are asking for exactly the same rights and benefits as straight people.

2. I know there are other issues that matter to people. But I have to ask, how does who is in office really affect you? On a day to day basis? Because having people in office who are anti-lgbt rights affects those of who are LGBTs HUGELY. And not just a couple of extra tax dollars. It can affect if we can be fired from our jobs, it can affect if we can serve in the military, it can affect our ability to adopt children, it can affect our ability to take care of our loved ones, etc. I would happily give up half of my entire salary if it meant I could have the same rights that straight people do. Think about that next time you go to the polls.

3. A lot of the people running this time around aren't your average Republicans. They are seriously conservative, homophobic, and to me down-right hateful people. This is the most nervous I think I have ever been about an election season. I joke with Catie about saying people who vote republican shouldn't be invited to the wedding. But its actually not really a joke. Its kind of how I feel. I mean, we won't do that, because I know some people feel they are supportive of us but have to vote that way because of other issues. But I would hope that at the very least, if anyone we invite has ever voted for a proposition or amendment that opposed gay marriage or lgbt rights, that they would have respect to decline our invitation.

Finally, the "Save the Date" cards/magnets are about 50% complete. Considering we won't be sending them until January, I'd say that is pretty good. I like the way they look. They are cute. When one is completely finished I will post a pic. But they don't necessarily look professionally done. Which is fine with me. But I also think I probably only saved about $30-$60 bucks when its all said and done, so considering the time it takes to do them, I'm not convinced this is the best route.

Although I suppose, at the end, if I add up all the times I save 30-60 bucks during this process, it will probably start to add up. And that will have made the work worth it.

The Officiant

I'm starting to get a little bit panicky. Catie and I have no clue about who we want to officiate the ceremony.

Neither of us are religious, although we both consider ourselves spiritual.

Neither of us go to church. Catie doesn't go at all. I go very very rarely to the UU church in Brookfield. And it seems completely disingenuous for us to suddenly join just so we can have someone officiate at our wedding.

We don't want to pay some random person a big fee when this isn't even legal. I mean seriously, my three old niece could do it if we wanted from a legal stand point. Because its not legal.

I don't want one of our close family members to do it, because that just doesn't feel right. I'm not sure how to explain why. But neither of us has the kind of relationship with any of our family members where we are like "Hey, I'd really love for so-and-so to marry us."

So what do we want?

Someone who knows us, even if just as an acquaintance. Not just some random stranger.

Someone who would be comfortable doing this.

Someone interested in doing this and willing to sit down and talk with us about what we want and what it all means.

Someone who is very spiritual, but not religious or devoted to the idea that only one faith is right.

Someone who understands why two people would bother getting "married" when it has nothing to do with religion or the law.

Someone who feels like they have something meaningful to contribute to this moment.

We are both pretty much at a total loss over who this person could be. Its freaking me out. And I'm sort of beginning to think we should just can the whole ceremony and skip to the party. Even though that isn't what my heart really wants to do.

PSA: It Really Does Get Better

This post has absolutely nothing to do with my wedding. And lord knows there are only about 25 people reading this blog regularly. But I'm determined to get this message out through every venue I have at my disposal.

After hearing about the 4th suicide by a gay youth in recent weeks my heart is seriously breaking. Don't know what I'm talking about? Read HERE.

But there is also a project happening out there that can maybe fill kids with a little hope. Its called the It Gets Better Project. And its happening on You Tube thanks to Dan Savage and so many others who are sharing their stories of hope at the It Gets Better Project channel on youtube.

I hope you will take a look at it. But more importantly I hope you will share this link with everyone you know, and encourage everyone you know to share it with everyone they know. Because who knows, somewhere, on someone's flist there may be a gay teen lurking. And maybe they'll listen to some of the vids and find a little bit of hope.

God knows I wish I could tell them it really truly does get better because it does. For me the proof of that is in this blog. I have an amazing partner and a life with her that is so much better than I ever expected was going to happen when I was a teenager.

The Latter Day Bride?

Oh world. You mock me.

Whilst searching the internets far and wide for a dress with a high back I clicked on this link: www.latterdaybride.com.

Yes. Really.

And if you are wondering why I even clicked the link? Wouldn't you have done so? My curiosity overwhelmed me.

Now, being a lesbian, one wouldn't expect that I would go wedding dress shopping on a Latter Day website.

And to add to the irony, one wouldn't expect that a website devoted to dressing the very people who work so hard to keep my marriage illegal would be the only website, in all the vast internets, that has dress after dress on it that I like.

On the other hand. While then reading up on the LDS church and its views against gay marriage, I stumbled upon this website: Mormons for Marriage. Now, if you are like me, your automatic assumption would probably be that this is yet another website devoted to proclaiming why gay marriage is wrong. However, it is not. I was pleasantly surprised to discover it is actually a website for Mormons who support Marriage Equality. And a tiny amount of the bitterness in my soul was erased.

Now, I don't think it erases enough of the bitterness to actually let me buy a dress from the Latter Day Bride website. But still, it was nice to see.

As for the dress...I guess I shall continue my hopeless searching, until I break down and find a seamstress.

One Year From Today. Or, Why Should You Have a Wedding?

One year from today Catie and I will be waking up a committed couple. But aren't we already?

I think it could be argued that our marriage really began on October 27th, 2009 when we closed on our first house, together. I mean, suddenly we had joint accounts and joint debts, we weren't just living together. A separation would suddenly get exponentially complicated.

Or maybe our marriage began on June 28th, 2010 when we went down to the county courthouse and raised our right hands and said, "I do." After all, this is the day when our commitment became legal. It might not give all the rights and benefits of marriage under the law, but it still has to be legally undone before we can get hitched to anyone else.

One of our friends, Dan, once said he believed that marriage began privately when you got engaged and publicly when you had the ceremony and celebration. So maybe we got married on June 11th, 2010 when Catie proposed to me at Pride Fest.

So if between the two of us we have affirmed our commitment to each other at least 3 times, and if we are legally already as married as we can be, then why bother with the big expensive shindig?

Well, I think it's partially the second part of what Dan believes, that sharing the moment in celebration with friends and family is how we make this marriage part of the "public" consciousness. It's saying, "Hey world! Guess what? We found someone we want intend to spend the rest our lives with and it is important to us that you all know it." But not just know it. Rather, that you recognize and respect it.

That when you introduce us to new people you don't just say, "This is my daughter or sister or friend _____, and her friend _____." Because you know that our relationship has meaning to it beyond just friendship.

But there is another reason for the party as well. In the words of Brian Kinney, a character from the show Queer as Folk, "The only thing worth celebrating is accomplishment." And I ask you, what the frak is more worth celebrating than two people actually finding someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with?

Anyone who hasn't found that someone until later in life. Anyone who has had to dip their toes repeatedly in the dating pool just to find someone they could tolerate even a second date with. Anyone who has been so burned by love they have thought that the last thing they would ever want to do is look for anything that serious again can tell you what an enormous accomplishment it is to find someone who you choose to change your life for. Because all the things you thought you wanted suddenly seem a tiny bit less important than figuring out how to compromise your wants and needs to make them mesh with someone else's so you can both be happy and still share your lives together.

Actually finding one single person out of the thousands you will encounter in your lifetime, who makes you decide that you want to be married to them is possibly the biggest accomplishment you will ever achieve. So what could be more worth a huge, expensive party? If ever there is a time for ceremony and celebration, this is it.

Plus Sized Bride

It's been a while, I know. The last days of summer have been busy for this Lesbian Bride and on Friday my partner and I are headed off on a 11 day road trip out east.

But that doesn't mean that wedding hasn't been on my mind. On the contrary. Among other activities, I've started looking for a dress.

I know. I know. The wedding is still a year away. However, having been attempting to clothe my body for the past 33 years, I am well aware of what a difficult task it is.

1. I am plus sized. Very plus sized. And while I certainly do plan on losing some weight before the big day. Even if I lose 50 lbs, I'm still going to be plus sized.

2. For personal reasons I need a high back. I don't mind exposing the ladies up front a bit, but my back needs to be mostly covered.

3. I want a cap sleeve if at all possible because I get hot easy, but am not super comfortable without anything on my arms/shoulders.

4. The dress does have to fit my tastes. Which aren't actually that picky, but I do have some preferences.

5. I don't have a big budget. But this isn't that hard of one to meet since I'm not necessarily looking for a super formal wedding dress. Just a dress a bit more special than I would usually wear.

Personally I don't think this is a very demanding list, but after looking at roughly 2000 dresses, and that is not an exaggeration, I have seen exactly one that might work. But since its viewed online on a skinny model and is nonrefundable if I buy it, its kind of hard to imagine shelling out a big chunk of change on something that I am just considering settling for because its the only one that is sort of ok.

Now don't worry. I have a year, so I'm not going to jump on this sort of ok dress just yet. My point just is, after looking at around 2000 dresses and only finding one that was sort of ok, I'm feeling like this is going to be sort of a hopeless task.

PS. If you were wondering. The hardest criteria from my list to mee is the #2. The high back. And that one is non-negotiable.

Thank You Ebay

So part of my idea for the decorations required obtaining around 75-85 Milk Glass Bud Vases. Originally I had thought I'd just look for them here and there for the next year at rummage sales, goodwills, etc. And then I remembered Ebay. But the shipping charges generally almost doubled the costs of the vases.

I spent one day with Catie trying to look for vases in the area. And after a day of hitting rummage sales and finding no milk glass, and a couple of trips to Goodwill that were somewhat successful, but at that rate I'd probably have to go to 2 or 3 goodwills every week for 4 months to find enough vases, I decided to go back to Ebay.

On average I'd say that purchasing the vases via Ebay probably added about $1.50 per vase extra. Multiplied by 80 vases I was looking at an extra cost of $120.

However. After one week and 2 days of bidding. I now have 75 vases purchased.

I probably spent roughly 20 hours bidding and searching on Ebay vs. approximately 50 hours or more I probably would have spent searching for them in the area. So there was a significant time savings.

Additionally, if I figure out how much gas would have been spent driving around to get them I figure the gas cost would have been about $60.

So at this juncture I would have saved about $60 dollars by looking for them in the area and would have sacrificed about 30 hours of my time.

Now I shall factor in how much Catie and I spent buying other things we didn't really need at the rummage sales we went to. In that one day we spent about $35. Now, I'm sure we wouldn't have spent $35 every time we went rummage saling, but even if we only spent a quarter of that, we would have spent an addtional $100 at least.

So if we recalculate looking for vases in the area would have cost us about $60 in gas and probably $100 in unnecessary purchases, as well as an extra 30 hours of time. Versus the extra $120 per vase by purchasing them on Ebay.

And lets not forget the assumption that I would be able to keep finding what I was looking for in the area at the same rate.

The moral of the story: Using Ebay might have ultimately saved a bit of money ($40) and definitely saved time when it came to purchasing a big portion of our decorations even if it didn't appear so initially when looking at the per item cost. And it definitely insured I got exactly the ones I was looking for versus settling for what was available in the area.

2 Moments of Losing My Cool, 1 Weekend

Moment #1

I got an idea in my head for centerpieces/favors. I ran it by my Dad, my 13 year old niece, Emma, and Catie. Catie was like, "Sure." Dad and Emma both thought it was a cool idea.

In order to carry out this idea I needed to either scour rummage sales and goodwills for weeks on end, or scour Ebay. Clearly Ebay sounded easier. So even though the commitment ceremony is oh, um, 13.5 months away, I decided to start scouring Ebay immediately. And bid on 6 different auctions. By the next day I had already won one, and was winning 3 more. Yay! Right?

No. Not yay. Because suddenly I panicked and wondered if my idea was completely insane and would look ridiculous. And it was too late to turn back because I'd already bid on so many items.

So I dragged Catie to two different Goodwills so we could find enough of what I needed, fortunately we found enough. Then I made her stop at the grocery store to pick up flowers so we could get the full effect of what it would look like. Because, you know, I wasn't going to have enough time in the next 13.5 months to do this another day. It had to be done Right. Now.

Then I put together the centerpiece/favors. And, well...I kind of liked it. But I also kind of thought other people might find it bizarre. So I asked Catie what she thought. I don't know why, since frankly, she is totally apathetic when it comes to this sort of thing. And her initial reaction was that it looked a bit weird. So I changed it up a bit and we both liked it better, but now I was just full of uncertainties. I liked it, but...

So then I took a picture of it with iphone and texted it to my sister, Heather. Who didn't reply immediately. So then I called her 20 minutes later to tell her to check her texts. No, I wasn't acting totally nuts at all.

Fortunately, she liked it. Whew. Let the bidding continue.

Moment #2

Having an internal breakdown tonight when I realized my big day will apparently be sandwiched between the big days of 2 my cousins. All 3 happening in a 1 year time span, with mine in the middle.

Why did this cause me a mini-freakout/breakdown?

Because we have a lot of out of town family. Because I already feel like many in my family don't think of this as "real" simply because its not legal or because of religious ideas. Because most of our family isn't rolling in the dough and probably can't afford to come to town for 3 weddings in less than a year. Because if they are forced to chose, they aren't going to chose mine.

And frankly, all those thoughts make me feel like shit.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm very happy for my cousins. I'm very excited for them because I'm already learning what an incredible roller coaster of mostly fun times planning something like this is. And because I want everyone to know the joy I felt when Catie asked me to marry her, and I especially want that for my family. So of course I'm incredibly happy for them.

But, yeah..

This situation a little bit sucks for me. Its not like I can take back the deposit and the contract now, they've already been paid, signed, sealed and delivered, yo. The date is set. For better or worse. And in the end, its not like I'd change it even if I could. Which is probably how my cousins feel too. Its big their day. They should do it when, where and how they want.

And I should get over my insecurities.

Que sera, sera.

Costs and Reality TV

While watching The Real L Word the other day I nearly choked on the cookie I was eating when the lesbian couple who is getting married were talking about their wedding planner. What did me in? The fact that they are spending more on just their wedding planner than we have budgeted for our entire wedding.

Now I get that these people have way way way more money than me, but still that was hard to fathom.

This made me curious about how much people in different parts of the country spend on their weddings and I discovered: costofwedding.com. First I couldn't believe that the US average is about $20,000. That is just seriously insane to me. But I thought, well that takes into account people who spend millions. So I typed in my zip code and learned that most people in my area spend between $12,500 and $20,000. That is still unreal to me. Our budget is quite a bit lower than the bottom number never mind the upper.

Which made me freak out a bit. Is our budget unrealistic? Am I forgetting to put things in our budget? Is it really possible to throw a party and all that jazz for 130 people and not go broke?

I'm thinking its time to bust out one of those wedding calculator worksheet thingies and really get to business. Cause I have a feeling this is going to cost a lot more than we think it is.

So what are your money saving tips for weddings? I'm willing to hear any suggestions. Ways to save on invitations, favors, decorations, whatever.

In other reality tv news I must confess I got one of my ideas regarding decorations from watching The Real Housewives of New York. I'm not sure which is worse, confessing I've watched that show or stealing decorating ideas from women with some seriously questionable tastes.

Save the Date - The Lesbian Bride has a Venue

The booking of our venue sort of traumatized me for a couple weeks when I'd reached my breaking point dealing with the place we wanted. As a result I steered clear of thinking of all things wedding related as much as possible until it was settled.

Catie finally went down to the place and was able to actually meet with the event coordinator. It was only our 4th combined trip there to see talk to her, but whatever.

I didn't go because when I'm upset I get slightly irrational and overly emotional. So she went on her own.

First thing she asked was if they had ever hosted a commitment ceremony before. The answer was no and yes. As of that day they had not. But by the end of this month, they will have. So at least we know we won't be the guinea pigs and they aren't as a rule opposed to it or something.

The unfortunate part was that because it took so long to make this happen, all our top dates were chosen. But in the end that fact proved to save us $3000 off the room minumum.

Why did we save such a vast sum? Because Sunday receptions have a rate $3000 less than Saturdays. And while I was generally opposed to a Sunday ceremony and reception because people have to work the next day, it turned out that Sunday, September 4th, 2011 was available. The Sunday of Labor Day weekend. Which means most people won't have to work the next day and we get to save money. I'm all for that. I know it isn't always a plus for the guests to have a wedding to attend on a holiday weekend. And I know this means that more people probably won't be able to come than if it had been on a non-holiday weekend. But as our wedding budget is very very tight, we could hardly pass up this savings.

Now lets all just hope it isn't ungodly hot. The reception site is air conditioned, but the outdoor ceremony site, clearly, is not. And neither is the inclement weather facility I believe. If it is ungodly hot. I will understand if you all just skip the ceremony and show up for the reception. :D I might do the same.

The contract was finally received in the mail on Saturday. And Catie and I signed it and will send it and the deposit back tomorrow. So 9.4.11 it is, at Hubbard Park and Hubbard Park Lodge. See you there!

Pissed Off

So apparently none of the three dates I asked about are available. Though remember they were when we started this whole fiasco 3 weeks ago. But she says the following weekend is.

But I think I'm done with Hubbard Park Lodge. The staff is clearly incompetent at best or homophobic at worst. This whole situation has just totally bummed me out. I can't believe I have gone from being so incredibly excited about it to absolutely let down in just 2 weeks. And I keep searching for another option but there are none I can find that I both like and we can afford and is the right size.

And when I think of all the time I've wasted on this the last 3 weeks. And the reality that in that time other places have become booked, it just pisses me off.

I know the only important part is supposed to be the meaning of the commitment ceremony, not the what, where, when, and how. But whatever. In some respects I'm a total girl and I've been thinking about what I would want if I were ever going to do this for years. And what I've always envisioned is just not going to happen.

Please no comments meant to cheer me up or telling me there is something else out there for us if we just take the time to find it. I'm pissed off. I think I have a right to be pissed off. And such comments will just piss me off more.

ETA:Catie, who is much calmer about these things than I am, is going to meet with the coordinator tomorrow, hopefully, and try to get a read on her, a better idea of the situation, and then decide for us if we are going to give up on this joint or not. Because I am neither calm nor rational when something is upsetting me.

A letter to the owner always works...sort of

First, Let me say that Catie and I are now officially Domestic Partners in the state of WI. We went back to the Courthouse yesterday to pick up our approved application and file it.

It was a very happy moment for both of us. :D Although I can't not mention that it does greatly bother me that I have to pay the same for the domestic partnership as you do for a marriage license. And yet the license gives your around 1100 legal rights/benefits and the domestic partnership only gives you 43. If we were paying per right granted, the marriage license would cost $106 and the dp would cost roughly $4.16. I know I should probably just focus on the joy of the occasion. But its pretty hard not to be upset a little by the difference.

Now on to other things. I finally wrote a letter to the owner of the company that operates Hubbard Park Lodge. In it I asked if we were being ignored because we were having a commitment ceremony.

And wouldn't you know it, the very next day I got a phone call from the event coordinator we'd been trying to get in touch with for 11 days.

Yay!

Or maybe not, because 11 days before the dates we had wanted were all available. Now they are booked.

Of course they are.

I wrote back and asked about one weekend later than we had wanted. It'll be getting risky with the weather, but it could pay off in a beautiful fall day. I shall let you know what the verdict is and if we will be looking elsewhere once again.

I'm sorry it has been so long between posts. Not for a lack of things to say, but just because this lesbian bride has now been working for 10 straight days and is incredibly crabby and tired.

What Would You Do? Getting Snubbed

Of all the venues I have looked at there has only been one that I'm really loving, Hubbard Park Lodge.

But I'm starting to get the feeling our kind isn't wanted there.

Why you ask?

Well, let's see -

I've now sent 3 different unanswered emails to 3 different people who work there. Over the course of a week and a half.

I've left a voice message that was returned with a voicemail that only gave one option to talk to someone was to go there in person when they are open on Friday or Sunday.

We went on Friday, it was closed for a wedding.

We went on Sunday, there person we were supposed to talk to wasn't there.

We left a message with our names and numbers for the person we were supposed to talk to with the hostess, who told us the event coordinator would call that day.

Its four days later and she hasn't called.

So at what point do you take a hint?

In the very last email I sent, to contact #3, I flat out asked if our inquiries weren't being responded to because the Lodge isn't interested in hosting a same-sex ceremony.

As of yet, I have had no reply to this email either.

My head tells me I should give up and move on. In all other circumstances, if a company was this unprofessional, repeatedly, I would say fuck it, and not give them my business. But I haven't seen anything else that i've liked and could afford.

This situation totally sucks.

To further add to my good mood Wisconsin's Hight Court upheld the marriage ban today

Some days I really hate the world.

Will you be my domestic partner?

Today Catie and I went to the Milwaukee County Courthouse and applied for a Wisconsin Domestic Partnership.

Although it felt rather official to raise our right hands and say, "I do," and although the rights this will give us are important, which is why we did it, I don't want anyone to be fooled that this really means all that much in the eyes of the law.

In fact while doing this will grant us 43 rights. It leaves out around 1100 that are granted to straight couples when they apply for their marriage licenses.

Its not fair. Its not right. I work hard. I pay my taxes. I have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, just like everyone else. I shouldn't be treated like a second class citizen. I shouldn't have to be grateful for getting something that is so far less than that which is granted to my friends, families and neighbors.

But I'm still happy that now Catie is legally obligated to keep me fed, clothed, and sheltered. And vice versa of course.

And saying, "I do," with her felt sorta nice too. :D

Moms and Venues

After scouring every wedding website we could find on the internets for venues in Milwaukee, and ruling out all hotels because they just don't "feel like us", we happened to stumble on a location that piqued our interest.

We had originally contacted the Lakefront Brewery Palm Garden because it looked interesting to us and in an email response found out that it was WAY out of budget. However, the management also operates another facility, The Hubbard Park Lodge. And this one, although still slightly above our budget, was much more reasonable. Moreover, it actually looked like it might be something we would like even more.

We were informed that the event coordinator was there on friday nights and sunday mornings and that you could just stop by for a tour and to talk to her during those times. Friday nights they have a fish fry (its a Milwaukee thing) and Sunday mornings/afternoon they have a brunch. So we decided to go check it out.

I thought it would be a good idea to invite my parents along for a couple of reasons. 1. Catie and I aren't used to envisioning what large crowds look like in confined spaces. We needed help visualizing if a place would work for our needs. 2. I thought it would be nice to include my mom. She and I can be like oil and water. Which is, consequently, the reason the other half my brain was screaming that I shouldn't ask them to come along.

I decided to ask them to come.

I love you mom, but a lot of times it would just be nice if you said, "Oh this is a lovely spot and I think it would work." or "Oh this isn't going to be big enough, I'm sorry."

Instead I get a list of 80 different places we could also consider (which I'd mostly looked into already) And a 100 examples of what so and so did for their wedding, which frankly I just don't care about.

I know I should be more patient. But I'm just not the kind of person who cares about what anyone else did or who is looking for a 1000 suggestions. I like to do things I think of doing in ways and places I discover. And I just want you to tell me if its crazy or brilliant or both.

Needless to say there was bickering. Especially when, while eyeing the nearby Milwaukee River, my mom proclaimed that we needed to hire a babysitter for the small children who would be there. Even after I told her, probably 4 times at least, that there would only be a maximum of 4 or 5 small children at the wedding. 2 of whom were my sister's. And Catie was behind me slowly getting more and more annoyed because she thinks, and I don't disagree, that its a parents job to watch their kid and if they can't then its their job to find someone to do it. But my mom would just not let the topic drop. Or be swayed from her insane notion that it was our job to hire a babysitter for the possible 4 kids at this wedding, two of whom would be my sister's.

Argh.

Like I said, I love you mom, but don't be offended when I don't ask you to visit the next venue with us.

Although, there probably won't be any next visits, cause we sorta loved Hubbard Park Lodge.

Wedding Websites I've used so far for finding venues:
On Milwaukee Article
Premier Bride: Good long list with thumbnail pic and simple description and links to the venues website. Very useful.
The Knot: Popular but I didn't use this one as much as the others.
Wedding Mapper: Nice that I could read reviews at this one without joining.
Milwaukee County Parks Rentals Site - Handy for finding all the different places. Although ultimately none of the county parks worked for us because they either insist on a very pricey caterer - Bartolatta's or Zilli Group depending on venue. Or, in the case of South Shore Pavillion, it was musty smelling, lol.

The Ring

First let me say I love my engagement ring. It is beautiful and somehow reflects both my tastes and Catie's. She did a fantastic job picking it out. It is a round-cut 3/4 carat solitaire flanked by two 1/2 carat round rubies set in white gold. Catie choose rubies because she knew they are my favorite stone, and i'm not that big on diamonds. And white gold because I have weird skin sensitivities and yellow gold tends to irritate my skin. Maybe one of these days I'll get ambitious and start adding some pics to these posts and then you can all see it.

But I debated posting specifically about my ring because Catie told me right off the bat it was not a natural diamond. Although I was more than ok with that for 2 reasons. 1. I need to buy a car and we have to pay for wedding. We really don't have the cash to be spending ridiculous sums of money on a ring. 2. I wouldn't have wanted to wonder if my stone came from questionable origins, even the supposedly "conflict-free" canadian diamonds are anything but. Howver, my being ok with that and my being ok with telling the world "Yes, this is my ring and not every part of it is natural, although it sure damn looks like it," are two entirely different things.

Since I'm a curious person, I then couldn't help myself and felt the need to investigate the origins of my stone and holy crap, who knew there was such a shit storm of info and accusations flying from every corner of the industry over different types of man-made diamonds, or synthetic diamonds, or stones that are basically cubic zirconia just really really well done? For about 24 hours I felt confused and unsure about my ring. And guilty for feeling it. I had no idea what Catie had paid for it, and I didn't want her to have been ripped off. And I didn't want to say anything to hurt her feelings either. And she had gone to the trouble of special ordering it for me, because of the rubies, which I know she doesn't like doing. She is more a brick and mortar kind of shopper, especially with large purchases.

However, I also didn't want my concerns to eat away at me. So finally I said something to her, and flat out asked her what she paid. Armed with that knowledge I then I investigated similar prices for this sort of gem, with rubies and in white gold with similar settings. I felt much better after that because at least I knew she hadn't been ripped off, it was a fair price.

And aside from that, within 24 hours I'd come to another conclusion. This is a billion dollar industry. From Moissanite to Gemesis to Diamond Nexus to the diamond giant of De Beers to Asha to a whole host of other companies producing real or simulants or synthetics, there are billions to be lost and won. And De Beers in particular, who had the most to lose, has gone to great length it seems to discredit the other options.

In other words, I wouldn't pay attention to what any one has to say about any of them. If you like how it looks, and I do like how mine looks, that is really all that should matter.

Next: The search for a commitment ceremony venue continues.

Venue Reality Check

One of my pet rats, November, died yesterday. It hasn't left me feeling very much like blogging. But I skipped yesterday's blog so I decided not to let it go two days in a row. So on to the wedding madness...

If I had been smart I would have at least taken the weekend to just enjoy the intense happiness I was experiencing post-proposal. But we both have a habit of spending a bit of time online before turning in for the night and my curiosity got the better of me. I started poking around looking at venue websites.

I mean, is there a girl out there who hasn't at least once imagined what their wedding/commitment ceremony day might look like? I naturally had some ideas of the places that I considered the bees knees. And now that it wasn't just going to be a fantasy, I couldn't help but check out if some of them could be a reality.

And thats when I learned two horrifying facts. 1. Those places are freaking expensive. 2. People apparently book their weddings two years in advance.

It wasn't like I was looking at the Calatrava for goodness sake. I mean I knew that a place like that would be out of my league and much sought after. And it wasn't like I was wishing to be a june bride. Nope. I was looking for mid-september. 16 months from now. And already places which were more moderately priced, and its not my definition of moderate by the way, I just mean they were cheaper than most other places, they were still freaking expensive in my book, were booked through September of 2011.

Suddenly it became clear that we had no time to waste as one by one the places I'd once had a passing thought of getting married in fell by the wayside. We needed to book a place as soon as possible. And before we could do that we needed a guest list so we would know how big of a place we needed.

I informed Catie of all of this and she informed me she had already started working on the song selection. Because, you know, when a wedding is 16 months away, the song list is totally high on the priority list.

After expressing the urgency of the situation to her, she finally got on board. Before the weekend was over we both had spread sheets with our guest lists and determined we needed a place for between 100-150 guests. With that knowledge in hand, the both us started researching possibilities diligently. Well, I started researching diligently. Catie flitted back and forth between that and the song selections.

We immediately came up with two good possibilities and set off to visit them that same weekend. The first, The Lakfefront Brewery Palm Garden, was ultimately too expensive. The second, The South Shore Pavilion was too stinky and apparently gave Catie bad vibes because she had once attended a lesbian Valentines Day dance there and had not had a good time. But it is a beautiful setting. And fairly inexpensive. Now if we could just get rid of the musty smell...

In less then 48 hours I went from being all OMG CATIE ASKED ME TO MARRY HER!!!!! Happiness!!! to omg I have to plan a fucking party for 150 people on a very tight budget stess.

I should have taken a few days to just bask in the joy.

Next Up: The Ring.

The Proposal

I have no recollection of what I was wearing the day Catie proposed, even though it was less than a week ago, but I do remember she was wearing a pair of army style camo cargo shorts. This will have relevance later on.

I also remember when I got home from work that day I yelled at her for some stupid reason that had to do with a phone call. We both have a fear of the telephone. Making phone calls is often a source of tension in our house. Later when I realized what an amazing thing she was doing for me that day, I would feel like a total ass for yelling at her and consider apologizing. But I never did because the rest of the night I was so freaking happy I didn't want to taint it, and also because I wasn't really sorry for yelling at her, just sorry for making her feel bad, the yelling was well deserved.

So after our little argument we set off to pick up my sister and head to the festival grounds for the opening night of Pridefest. We wandered about, purchased a giant rainbow flag, read about the LGBT history of Milwaukee, and took pictures with the FagBug, after purchasing a DVD of the documentary. Shortly thereafter we met up with Cally, Catie's sister.

Then the four of us repeated the tour of the grounds for Cally's sake, about halfway through I was so tired all I wanted to do was try and go see if we could find seats by the main stage. Kathy Griffin was the headliner and she would not be on stage until after 11pm. My day starts at 5am. There was no way I wanted to be on my feet all night long. So when Catie suggested a walk by the lake I declined. I should have been suspicious right then and there. Catie doesn't usually advocate doing things that require extra walking. After I said no, Cally piped up that she wanted to go to the lake too, in a tone that left no room for argument. That probably should have tipped me off. Instead I just followed along feeling puzzled by everyone's obsession with walking by the lake.

So the four of us are walking when we spot a stage with some belly dancers. So we stop to watch a bit. I'd never seen a male belly dancer before. Then we continue on our way when I declare I have to go to the ladies room and split off from everyone. Poor Catie. All this time she is just trying to steer me towards the damn lake. Apparently after the bathroom break she gives up, because we are walking on path through a grassy area near the children's play zone, and still not by the lake when she stops me and somehow maneuvers me so that we are facing each other instead of side by side. And not for the last time I ask, "What are you doing?"

So she leans in for a kiss and I give her a nice chaste little peck, we are in public after all and my sister is 4 feet away, and then I try to turn and continue walking. But she stops me with her hands on my arms and again, "What are you doing?"

Her hands glide down my arms and she says, "Relax," and for a fleeting second I'm annoyed because I think she is about to pick an eyelash off me. Random much? Not really. I lose them with alarming frequency and she always spots them and plucks them off of me at random times. But we are in public, and i've told her before no picking things off of me in public. Its just weird. So yeah, annoyed.

All of this is running through my head keeping me from realizing she has somehow gotten down on one knee without my being aware of it. All I can think is now what the hell is she doing on the ground. Maybe if I ask a third time I'll get it, "What are you doing?"

What can I say. I'm a little slow sometimes.

I'd like to give you a play by play at this point. But I totally can't. Shock destroyed the memory. But I do remember processing that she was holding a sizable ring box that seemed to have magically appeared out of no where, in reality it had been in her giant camo cargo pockets all along. And that inside that box was a really beautiful ring. Which made no sense to me at all. Catie doesn't randomly buy me jewelry.

She especially doesn't buy it for me and then give it to me while down on one knee in front of an audience. Oh.

I don't think I said yes at first. I think I might have said, "Oh my god. What are you doing?" Even though by this point I knew darn well what she was doing. There was kissing and hugging and eventually a "Yes, of course." Then there was applause and a couple of "Woohoos" from a group of girls who happened to be passing by.

There was also an awkward moment where I could not remember which hand I was supposed to put the ring on. I had to ask. It was embarrassing. I'd like to clarify at this juncture that I do know which hand it is supposed to be on. But holy hell people, how's a girl supposed to remember something like that when the girl of her dreams has just asked her to marry her?

Tomorrow: Curiousity kills the Cat

This blog

I blog other places. I have a facebook account. I have many well established venues I could use to write endless posts about my lesbian wedding. But by post number four or five or six, most people I know would be ready to defriend me. I know that is how I felt about my recently married co-worker who spoke of little else other than her big day for the last 2 months. Many a morning in the locker room I wished desperately that I could just log off.

So to spare friends and family the agony of reading every minute and possibly boring detail. And yet to still allow me to do what I like best - post daily about whatever is consuming my brain - I am starting a brand new blog.

Dedicated solely to my Big. Lesbian. Wedding.

Tomorrow: The Proposal.