The Big Day: Part 1 of ?

I think I will do this in several short entries because it seems impossible to capture everything at once. And before you ask, don't worry, there will be pictures...eventually.

First a rundown of what we did and didn't do/have and how I feel about it now.

Rehearsal Dinner

Small affair with just our parents, siblings and their spouses, 2 friends who are immediate family to me by choice, and 1 other friend who was the only person technically in the wedding. This was PERFECT. At 16 people the group was small enough for everyone to get to talk to each other and get to know one another. And it didn't feel like anyone who really should have been there was excluded. It was also at a casual mexican restaurant which meant it was very easy going and relaxed. It also wasn't overwhelming for Catie and I.

There was another gathering after dinner at the hotel with dessert and drinks that my parents hosted for my many friends and family from out of town. Catie and I did not attend this. I feel a little bad that we didn't spend the extra time with these people, but no regrets about it since we had too much to do the night before and also took some time to relax by ourselves.

I wouldn't change a thing about the Rehearsal Dinner.

Photographer

We didn't have one. The jury is still out on whether or not I think this was wise. I think it will end up being just fine. Catie's sister Cally and my cousin Jessica were both snapping away. I feel very confident that between the two of them there will be at least a few wonderful photos worthy of framing and plenty of others to go in the album. I am also extremely grateful that they both spent so much of their time doing this. And owe them both a big THANK YOU.

There also seemed to be plenty of other people taking pictures and we asked all of them to upload them to a snapfish account. There are a couple of shots that I would have liked that we didn't get. So that is a bit of a bummer. But on the whole, I don't think I'll regret foregoing the photographer. It saved A LOT of money, and I think we will have plenty of photos to cherish.

DJ

We didn't have one. We just rented the sound equipment. I have NO REGRETS about this. I feel a bit bad that Catie's brother, Matt. had to spend a some time hanging out taking care of the music. And that Catie kept obsessing about things being to loud or quiet. And I did have a moment of panic when it came to getting someone to announce the first dance, but our brother-in-law, Bob, took care of that for us. And in the end it all went pretty smooth. Plus, running everything off our computer gave our friends the chance to go set up a play-list later in the evening called, "Taking Over". Which was fine by us. Our goal with the music was to get the people who wanted to dance out there dancing, and for the most part they were. A couple of lulls on the dance floor but never for long. And being able to have complete control and choice of songs was well worth any disadvantage of not having a DJ. If I were doing it again, I wouldn't do anything differently.

For the ceremony, we had a disc of music we ran from a boom box. It was 30 minutes long. We had a friend hit play at 4:00. Pause it for a moment at the second to last song. We walked down the aisle during the last song. And it wasn't in repeat, so no one had to turn it off. Cheap, easy, and for us worked out just fine. We had exactly the music we wanted. And I don't think anyone present cared that it wasn't some professional set up. NO REGRETS

Decorations

With the help of family and friends we did everything ourselves. It was time consuming, and in the end possible didn't save all that much. But it was so worth it. Everything looked exactly how I wanted it to. And to me, fresh beautiful flowers don't need much other fanfare to go with them. We bought all our flowers from wherever the day before, and sisters, friends and cousins formed an assembly line of cutting and vase stuffing. We did have to go to about 8 different area stores to find all the specific flowers I wanted. So maybe just ordering them would have been better. BUT the flower budget is the only budget that we actually came in UNDER budget at. And we had more than we needed. And it just looked fantastic. So in the end, I wouldn't do this differently either. Also, I just tried out a few cost calculators and wholesalers online. I'd say we cut costs by over 50% by doing everything ourselves.

We also skipped any and all flowers for ourselves and family. We had no attendants, so we didn't need flowers for them. This saved a fortune. And didn't seem to be missed by anyone. Catie and I never wanted to carry bouquets, so this was an easy decision. We actually had meant to get corsages for our moms, but forgot. They didn't seem to be missing having them. Certainly the day was made no more or less wonderful for anyone because they didn't get a boutineer.

And we had 0 decorations for the ceremony. Well, this isn't true. We paid for 0 decorations for the ceremony except for 1 table cloth. It was outdoors. In a beautiful setting. Why would we need to decorate??? And, in a stroke of unbelievable luck, the people who had gotten married there the day before had left behind this beautiful archway thingy made of branches. So this part of our budget cost 20 dollars for the table cloth. And I definitely have NO REGRETS here.

Cake

Done by friend. Tasted FANTASTIC. And looked AWESOME. I'll admit, no matter how confident you are in a friend, there is some trepidation that comes with going this route rather than with someone who does this for a living. But It was perfect for us. And I'm not sure I'll be able to thank Becca enough for this. The only cost to us was cost of ingredients. So our savings was tremendous and this was an unbelievable wedding gift to receive from someone. Definitely no regrets here.

Ok, that is it for this post!

Wedding Update

I'm not even sure I remember how to do this, it has been so long.

The Dress
Had a fitting last week. It was great except there was some funkiness with the length, some of which, for reasons I still can't quite understand, can't be totally fixed. But I'm told it will look much better. Let's hope so, because my next fitting is August 17th. There won't be time for any more alterations after that.

Catie's Duds
Catie's first shirt arrived and didn't fit. The second one does, but the sleeves are too long. She still doesn't have pants. I am hoping to get these purchased tomorrow and then take both the shirt and pants (if they need it) to a tailor. Anyone have any recommendations? I have no idea how hard it is to shorten sleeves.

The Invitations/The Lesbian Bride Had a Total Meltdown
The day Catie was going to mail the invitations, she noticed something. We had no time for the ceremony anywhere on the invite. And of course all the invites were already sealed and ready to be mailed. I, having just got off work, and having worked a ridiculous 60 some odd hours that week, lost my shit. Catie more sensibly called my sisters and they miraculously made everything all better. Heather realized they could fit it in at the top of the invite and indeed, it looked like it was always supposed to be there. And then Catie reprinted and reassembled while Heather and Hillary carefully opened all 65 invites, and then carefully glued the envelopes back together. I took a nap.

RSVPs
To be fair, we are actually doing fairly well in this department. I think we have 75% returned. But that doesn't mean that the ones that haven't been returned aren't making me totally batty. What's the hold up, yo? I do know in a couple of cases the people aren't sure if they can attend or not yet, but some other people apparently just have a need to make us wait. Also, more than 1/3 of our guests have opted for the vegetarian entree. Who knew?

Losing My Control Freak Ways
Well, more like too tired to be a control freak. 62 hours of overtime in a 4 week time span has made me say things like, "I don't care what the cake looks like. You take care of that. I don't even want to know what is happening anymore." And also, "Get whichever bags you want for the favors. You have good taste. They'll be cute. I just don't care anymore." And, "I don't care what kind of cookies. (sister tells me something I can't quite hear because I've dropped my cell phone 4 times in the last week and it is barely functioning) Those sound great."

I will admit though, I'm starting to get a little nervous about this whole, we'll-just-wing-it-on-the-flowers-the-day-of plan. It seems like a very risky proposition now.

In 7 more days I will done with my crazy work schedule, I will also only have 4 weeks until the wedding. Eek. Expect to hear more from me then.

Wedding Update: The dress

It has been a really long time since I last updated. Almost two months. Sometimes it is hard to find the time and energy. Life has been full, with ups and downs. And it was always my intent to keep this blog sort of focused on the wedding (with an occasional spattering of politics) but it can be hard to write about these things when so much else is on my mind. But anyway...

I got my dress! I thought it would be a terribly traumatic event. But I looked online. I found a dress I liked at David's Bridal. I made an appointment. I went with Catie. I tried on 4 dresses.

Dress number 1 was HIDEOUS. White and frumpy and horrible.

Dress number 2 was my second favorite. I actually really liked it. And it looked decent on me. But it was A WEDDING DRESS. Super formal. And a whole lot of dress. Too much for what our day will be like.

Dress number 3 was my favorite from online. It is tea length, layered in lace with some touches of beading all over and a matching little bolero jacket. It is adorable. It is currently hanging in my spare room, awaiting a fitting in June. :D

Dress number 4 was sort of cool, but totally not me. It would be me if I was 45. And getting married for the second time. Catie said it made me look like a vampire, in a cool, sexy way I hope.

So in the end, not painful at all. But probably because I already knew what I want. If had gone in there with no idea what I wanted, it would not have been fun.

Also, I think it was good that I only brought Catie with me, who I instructed in advance to lie to me if she could tell I was in love with something she didn't really care for. When you already know what you want, the last thing you need is 3 or 4 different opinions about what you should get. And I'm really not a big fan of having lots of people focusing their attention on me. So my advice to all you brides-to-be out there - If having 4 or 5 people critique your taste is not your thing, don't feel like you have to bring a crowd with you. They will get over not coming with if you explain why you didn't want them there. And you can always do what I'm doing, invite them to a fitting and ask them to help you accessorize. Then they can still be a part of the experience in some way.

You can click on dress 2 and 3 to see what they look like. Although the models look better in both of them than I do. So keep that in mind when you see me in #3 on my wedding day! Sadly I couldn't find pictures of dress 1 and 4. Perhaps because #1 is too hideous to display online, it could scare customers off.

Now we just have to figure out what Catie is wearing. In case you were wondering, it definitely won't be a dress.

Hotels, Tastings and Sound. Oh My.

This week is a busy one for the lesbian bride. And her Wife to be. And her Dad.

This week we, and by we I mean my dad, called around to area hotels to inquire about setting up a block of rooms. It was hard to decide on where to do it as there aren't really any hotels right by the wedding and reception site. Finally we decided on looking at the hotels near where my family mostly lives, which is also close to where Catie and I live. At least this way everyone will be close to each other for other goings-on or get-togethers or car-pooling or whatever.

We settled on the Crowne Plaza in Wauwatosa. Catie and I have been inside it before and it is really nice. They did not give the "bride and groom" a free room as some other hotels were offering, but they will give us an up-grade to a suite. I didn't even know any of this was a perk of reserving a block of rooms, my dad told me and I was like, wooohooo. We weren't planning on staying in a hotel, since we live here, but I have to admit it might be nice to get ready without worrying about cat hair or a messy house or any of the other reasons being at home can be stressful. Plus it was about 30% off of their normal rate for our guests. Bonus.

Hotels of the world, you need to get with the program though, and stop asking for the bride and groom's info. My poor dad would check every single time if it was okay if it was a bride and bride. How about just asking for the happy couple's info or something?

Tomorrow we are headed to taste our food with my mom. Hopefully it tastes fantastic, because if it doesn't, we are pretty much stuck with it anyway. So I'm not sure what the point of the tasting is, but oh well - Free food!

And Friday we go look at sound equipment with my dad, who also set that appointment up for us. Thanks dad!

Wedding Related Bits and Pieces

First, if you get an email from me asking for your address info, please fill out the form and hit submit. You will save me a lot of time, and I will truly appreciate it. You could say I'm being lazy, I say I am being super efficient.

Second, a political season happening while I have "getting married" on the brain is making for a very angry Lesbian Bride. Most of the time when I get the urge to post lately, it would just turn into a political rant. So I don't bother. With the election close at hand though, I will say a couple of things:

1. Gays and Lesbians don't make up a special interest group. We are not asking for anything special. We are asking for exactly the same rights and benefits as straight people.

2. I know there are other issues that matter to people. But I have to ask, how does who is in office really affect you? On a day to day basis? Because having people in office who are anti-lgbt rights affects those of who are LGBTs HUGELY. And not just a couple of extra tax dollars. It can affect if we can be fired from our jobs, it can affect if we can serve in the military, it can affect our ability to adopt children, it can affect our ability to take care of our loved ones, etc. I would happily give up half of my entire salary if it meant I could have the same rights that straight people do. Think about that next time you go to the polls.

3. A lot of the people running this time around aren't your average Republicans. They are seriously conservative, homophobic, and to me down-right hateful people. This is the most nervous I think I have ever been about an election season. I joke with Catie about saying people who vote republican shouldn't be invited to the wedding. But its actually not really a joke. Its kind of how I feel. I mean, we won't do that, because I know some people feel they are supportive of us but have to vote that way because of other issues. But I would hope that at the very least, if anyone we invite has ever voted for a proposition or amendment that opposed gay marriage or lgbt rights, that they would have respect to decline our invitation.

Finally, the "Save the Date" cards/magnets are about 50% complete. Considering we won't be sending them until January, I'd say that is pretty good. I like the way they look. They are cute. When one is completely finished I will post a pic. But they don't necessarily look professionally done. Which is fine with me. But I also think I probably only saved about $30-$60 bucks when its all said and done, so considering the time it takes to do them, I'm not convinced this is the best route.

Although I suppose, at the end, if I add up all the times I save 30-60 bucks during this process, it will probably start to add up. And that will have made the work worth it.

Plus Sized Bride

It's been a while, I know. The last days of summer have been busy for this Lesbian Bride and on Friday my partner and I are headed off on a 11 day road trip out east.

But that doesn't mean that wedding hasn't been on my mind. On the contrary. Among other activities, I've started looking for a dress.

I know. I know. The wedding is still a year away. However, having been attempting to clothe my body for the past 33 years, I am well aware of what a difficult task it is.

1. I am plus sized. Very plus sized. And while I certainly do plan on losing some weight before the big day. Even if I lose 50 lbs, I'm still going to be plus sized.

2. For personal reasons I need a high back. I don't mind exposing the ladies up front a bit, but my back needs to be mostly covered.

3. I want a cap sleeve if at all possible because I get hot easy, but am not super comfortable without anything on my arms/shoulders.

4. The dress does have to fit my tastes. Which aren't actually that picky, but I do have some preferences.

5. I don't have a big budget. But this isn't that hard of one to meet since I'm not necessarily looking for a super formal wedding dress. Just a dress a bit more special than I would usually wear.

Personally I don't think this is a very demanding list, but after looking at roughly 2000 dresses, and that is not an exaggeration, I have seen exactly one that might work. But since its viewed online on a skinny model and is nonrefundable if I buy it, its kind of hard to imagine shelling out a big chunk of change on something that I am just considering settling for because its the only one that is sort of ok.

Now don't worry. I have a year, so I'm not going to jump on this sort of ok dress just yet. My point just is, after looking at around 2000 dresses and only finding one that was sort of ok, I'm feeling like this is going to be sort of a hopeless task.

PS. If you were wondering. The hardest criteria from my list to mee is the #2. The high back. And that one is non-negotiable.

Thank You Ebay

So part of my idea for the decorations required obtaining around 75-85 Milk Glass Bud Vases. Originally I had thought I'd just look for them here and there for the next year at rummage sales, goodwills, etc. And then I remembered Ebay. But the shipping charges generally almost doubled the costs of the vases.

I spent one day with Catie trying to look for vases in the area. And after a day of hitting rummage sales and finding no milk glass, and a couple of trips to Goodwill that were somewhat successful, but at that rate I'd probably have to go to 2 or 3 goodwills every week for 4 months to find enough vases, I decided to go back to Ebay.

On average I'd say that purchasing the vases via Ebay probably added about $1.50 per vase extra. Multiplied by 80 vases I was looking at an extra cost of $120.

However. After one week and 2 days of bidding. I now have 75 vases purchased.

I probably spent roughly 20 hours bidding and searching on Ebay vs. approximately 50 hours or more I probably would have spent searching for them in the area. So there was a significant time savings.

Additionally, if I figure out how much gas would have been spent driving around to get them I figure the gas cost would have been about $60.

So at this juncture I would have saved about $60 dollars by looking for them in the area and would have sacrificed about 30 hours of my time.

Now I shall factor in how much Catie and I spent buying other things we didn't really need at the rummage sales we went to. In that one day we spent about $35. Now, I'm sure we wouldn't have spent $35 every time we went rummage saling, but even if we only spent a quarter of that, we would have spent an addtional $100 at least.

So if we recalculate looking for vases in the area would have cost us about $60 in gas and probably $100 in unnecessary purchases, as well as an extra 30 hours of time. Versus the extra $120 per vase by purchasing them on Ebay.

And lets not forget the assumption that I would be able to keep finding what I was looking for in the area at the same rate.

The moral of the story: Using Ebay might have ultimately saved a bit of money ($40) and definitely saved time when it came to purchasing a big portion of our decorations even if it didn't appear so initially when looking at the per item cost. And it definitely insured I got exactly the ones I was looking for versus settling for what was available in the area.

2 Moments of Losing My Cool, 1 Weekend

Moment #1

I got an idea in my head for centerpieces/favors. I ran it by my Dad, my 13 year old niece, Emma, and Catie. Catie was like, "Sure." Dad and Emma both thought it was a cool idea.

In order to carry out this idea I needed to either scour rummage sales and goodwills for weeks on end, or scour Ebay. Clearly Ebay sounded easier. So even though the commitment ceremony is oh, um, 13.5 months away, I decided to start scouring Ebay immediately. And bid on 6 different auctions. By the next day I had already won one, and was winning 3 more. Yay! Right?

No. Not yay. Because suddenly I panicked and wondered if my idea was completely insane and would look ridiculous. And it was too late to turn back because I'd already bid on so many items.

So I dragged Catie to two different Goodwills so we could find enough of what I needed, fortunately we found enough. Then I made her stop at the grocery store to pick up flowers so we could get the full effect of what it would look like. Because, you know, I wasn't going to have enough time in the next 13.5 months to do this another day. It had to be done Right. Now.

Then I put together the centerpiece/favors. And, well...I kind of liked it. But I also kind of thought other people might find it bizarre. So I asked Catie what she thought. I don't know why, since frankly, she is totally apathetic when it comes to this sort of thing. And her initial reaction was that it looked a bit weird. So I changed it up a bit and we both liked it better, but now I was just full of uncertainties. I liked it, but...

So then I took a picture of it with iphone and texted it to my sister, Heather. Who didn't reply immediately. So then I called her 20 minutes later to tell her to check her texts. No, I wasn't acting totally nuts at all.

Fortunately, she liked it. Whew. Let the bidding continue.

Moment #2

Having an internal breakdown tonight when I realized my big day will apparently be sandwiched between the big days of 2 my cousins. All 3 happening in a 1 year time span, with mine in the middle.

Why did this cause me a mini-freakout/breakdown?

Because we have a lot of out of town family. Because I already feel like many in my family don't think of this as "real" simply because its not legal or because of religious ideas. Because most of our family isn't rolling in the dough and probably can't afford to come to town for 3 weddings in less than a year. Because if they are forced to chose, they aren't going to chose mine.

And frankly, all those thoughts make me feel like shit.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm very happy for my cousins. I'm very excited for them because I'm already learning what an incredible roller coaster of mostly fun times planning something like this is. And because I want everyone to know the joy I felt when Catie asked me to marry her, and I especially want that for my family. So of course I'm incredibly happy for them.

But, yeah..

This situation a little bit sucks for me. Its not like I can take back the deposit and the contract now, they've already been paid, signed, sealed and delivered, yo. The date is set. For better or worse. And in the end, its not like I'd change it even if I could. Which is probably how my cousins feel too. Its big their day. They should do it when, where and how they want.

And I should get over my insecurities.

Que sera, sera.

Costs and Reality TV

While watching The Real L Word the other day I nearly choked on the cookie I was eating when the lesbian couple who is getting married were talking about their wedding planner. What did me in? The fact that they are spending more on just their wedding planner than we have budgeted for our entire wedding.

Now I get that these people have way way way more money than me, but still that was hard to fathom.

This made me curious about how much people in different parts of the country spend on their weddings and I discovered: costofwedding.com. First I couldn't believe that the US average is about $20,000. That is just seriously insane to me. But I thought, well that takes into account people who spend millions. So I typed in my zip code and learned that most people in my area spend between $12,500 and $20,000. That is still unreal to me. Our budget is quite a bit lower than the bottom number never mind the upper.

Which made me freak out a bit. Is our budget unrealistic? Am I forgetting to put things in our budget? Is it really possible to throw a party and all that jazz for 130 people and not go broke?

I'm thinking its time to bust out one of those wedding calculator worksheet thingies and really get to business. Cause I have a feeling this is going to cost a lot more than we think it is.

So what are your money saving tips for weddings? I'm willing to hear any suggestions. Ways to save on invitations, favors, decorations, whatever.

In other reality tv news I must confess I got one of my ideas regarding decorations from watching The Real Housewives of New York. I'm not sure which is worse, confessing I've watched that show or stealing decorating ideas from women with some seriously questionable tastes.