The Powers That Be: Part 1 of 2

I believe there is something greater than all of us as individuals at work in the universe. What exactly that is, I am less certain of. So I prefer to refer to this something as The Powers That Be, or TPTB, rather than God. Yes, I got that phrase from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but that doesn't make it any less fitting a name for whatever, or whoever, it is out there that is greater than myself.

But this isn't a post about my theological beliefs. This is a post about what I think the Christian God thinks about my getting married to a woman. My next post, part 2, will be about what I think of some of his followers, the ones who came to my wedding but should have stayed home.

First of all, if there is a God, I don't think he gave much thought or care at all to the fact that I got married, to a woman, or anyone else because he is probably very, very busy with much larger matters. BUT, if he does give a shit, I'm sure he smiled that day when our wedding came on his radar for a brief moment. Because really, if God is good and God is love, how can you not smile at such an outpouring of happiness and love as we experienced that day? From Catie's family and my family. From Catie's friends and my friends and our friends. They spoke so many messages of love to us during the ceremony. Many traveled great distances to be there, more than 20 from out of state. How can so much love be regarded by anyone as wrong?

But there is another way I know he would have been smiling. Because all day Saturday it rained. And all day Sunday it was cloudy and looked like it was going to rain. And Sunday night - scattered showers off and on. But right before and all during our ceremony...


The clouds broke. The sun shined down upon us. And clearly, God was displeased.

Plus that trelis that looks like it was made to be there, and added so much beauty to our setting - left behind, like a gift from the gods, by the people married there the day before.

Also, as Catie will tell you, it is nearly impossible for me to be comfortable with temperature. I have comfort range of like 5 degrees. If it isn't somewhere between 67 and 73, I'm too cold or too hot. That afternoon I do believe it was about 70. I couldn't have scripted the weather better myself. Also, our entire honeymoon, barely a cloud in the sky and low 70's the whole week.



I'm just saying...

Something Old, Something New

So we weren't particularly concerned with having something old, something new, something borrowed or something blue until the 9th or 10th person asked us if were going to. Which means we had no plans for this.

But I think we still managed to sort of meet the requirements.

Something old: Catie's undershirt.

Something new: Practically everything else we were wearing.

Something borrowed: The ceremony. We aren't Quakers. But we basically took all our ideas for our wedding, from those that are used in a Friends wedding. The type of ceremony and the signing of the certifcate. All borrowed from them. I hope they don't mind. But after talking to a friend one day about what I wanted, she told me to check out Friends' ceremonies. And what do you know, it was exactly the type of thing I had in mind.

Although, after exploring in preparation for the big day, I told Catie that if I wasn't far too lazy and uncommitted to be a part of a religious structure, I would definitely consider being a Quaker. They are pretty awesome. That's my mom in the picture signing our certificate. There will be more about the certificate later, in the "Things that went wrong" blog entry.

And of course, Something blue: Catie's underwear. I know she will be thrilled that I shared that with all of you.

Wedding Update: The dress

It has been a really long time since I last updated. Almost two months. Sometimes it is hard to find the time and energy. Life has been full, with ups and downs. And it was always my intent to keep this blog sort of focused on the wedding (with an occasional spattering of politics) but it can be hard to write about these things when so much else is on my mind. But anyway...

I got my dress! I thought it would be a terribly traumatic event. But I looked online. I found a dress I liked at David's Bridal. I made an appointment. I went with Catie. I tried on 4 dresses.

Dress number 1 was HIDEOUS. White and frumpy and horrible.

Dress number 2 was my second favorite. I actually really liked it. And it looked decent on me. But it was A WEDDING DRESS. Super formal. And a whole lot of dress. Too much for what our day will be like.

Dress number 3 was my favorite from online. It is tea length, layered in lace with some touches of beading all over and a matching little bolero jacket. It is adorable. It is currently hanging in my spare room, awaiting a fitting in June. :D

Dress number 4 was sort of cool, but totally not me. It would be me if I was 45. And getting married for the second time. Catie said it made me look like a vampire, in a cool, sexy way I hope.

So in the end, not painful at all. But probably because I already knew what I want. If had gone in there with no idea what I wanted, it would not have been fun.

Also, I think it was good that I only brought Catie with me, who I instructed in advance to lie to me if she could tell I was in love with something she didn't really care for. When you already know what you want, the last thing you need is 3 or 4 different opinions about what you should get. And I'm really not a big fan of having lots of people focusing their attention on me. So my advice to all you brides-to-be out there - If having 4 or 5 people critique your taste is not your thing, don't feel like you have to bring a crowd with you. They will get over not coming with if you explain why you didn't want them there. And you can always do what I'm doing, invite them to a fitting and ask them to help you accessorize. Then they can still be a part of the experience in some way.

You can click on dress 2 and 3 to see what they look like. Although the models look better in both of them than I do. So keep that in mind when you see me in #3 on my wedding day! Sadly I couldn't find pictures of dress 1 and 4. Perhaps because #1 is too hideous to display online, it could scare customers off.

Now we just have to figure out what Catie is wearing. In case you were wondering, it definitely won't be a dress.

What We Really Need

Catie and I had many a debate over registering for gifts for our wedding. She was initially dead-set against it saying we don't need anything and she doesn't want anyone to get us anything. I will mention here that we are having no wedding showers, for this same reason. I don't entirely disagree, but whether we want them to or not, people who are invited to a wedding will bring a gift. And I didn't want 23 vases that I'll never use.

So then I had the idea of registering for charity. And in fact the Human Rights Campaign has a Wedding Registry. Ding. Ding. Ding.

We might not need things, but we really could use legal recognition and equal status with straight couples. And hopefully, the HRC will one day help us get that. A perfect fit. Catie agreed. Haley and Catie's HRC Wedding Registry.

Of course, many people pointed out that some people will still want to give us a gift. So we also registered the traditional way at Target and Crate&Barrel. And admittedly, that was sort of fun to do. Who didn't like making a wish list for Santa as a kid? Registering is sort of like that.

Target was easy. You sight up on line, go in, get a gun, start scanning, give the gun back, and you are on your way.

Crate&Barrel we weren't so sure about, so we asked a sales associate and the following awkward conversation happened.

"Can I help you?"
"We were interested in registering for our wedding."
"Which one of you is going to be getting married?"

Oy.

Normally I have a short temper and that kind of thing puts me off. But I've long been a Crate&Barrel fan. Even when I was broke in Boston I'd save up my pennies and stop in there for some random kitchen accessory I didn't really need. That and we both found a set of dishes we loved there, something we couldn't accomplish in Target where strangely, most of their dishes aren't microwave safe. WTF Target? Dishes you can't microwave in this day and age?

In the end we just did it on line. Much less headache.

So I'm still hoping most people who wish to generously give us something for our wedding make a donation to the HRC on our behalf, but if not, new dishes are always nice too, or a badminton set, whatever floats your boat.

Hotels, Tastings and Sound. Oh My.

This week is a busy one for the lesbian bride. And her Wife to be. And her Dad.

This week we, and by we I mean my dad, called around to area hotels to inquire about setting up a block of rooms. It was hard to decide on where to do it as there aren't really any hotels right by the wedding and reception site. Finally we decided on looking at the hotels near where my family mostly lives, which is also close to where Catie and I live. At least this way everyone will be close to each other for other goings-on or get-togethers or car-pooling or whatever.

We settled on the Crowne Plaza in Wauwatosa. Catie and I have been inside it before and it is really nice. They did not give the "bride and groom" a free room as some other hotels were offering, but they will give us an up-grade to a suite. I didn't even know any of this was a perk of reserving a block of rooms, my dad told me and I was like, wooohooo. We weren't planning on staying in a hotel, since we live here, but I have to admit it might be nice to get ready without worrying about cat hair or a messy house or any of the other reasons being at home can be stressful. Plus it was about 30% off of their normal rate for our guests. Bonus.

Hotels of the world, you need to get with the program though, and stop asking for the bride and groom's info. My poor dad would check every single time if it was okay if it was a bride and bride. How about just asking for the happy couple's info or something?

Tomorrow we are headed to taste our food with my mom. Hopefully it tastes fantastic, because if it doesn't, we are pretty much stuck with it anyway. So I'm not sure what the point of the tasting is, but oh well - Free food!

And Friday we go look at sound equipment with my dad, who also set that appointment up for us. Thanks dad!

Plus Sized Bride

It's been a while, I know. The last days of summer have been busy for this Lesbian Bride and on Friday my partner and I are headed off on a 11 day road trip out east.

But that doesn't mean that wedding hasn't been on my mind. On the contrary. Among other activities, I've started looking for a dress.

I know. I know. The wedding is still a year away. However, having been attempting to clothe my body for the past 33 years, I am well aware of what a difficult task it is.

1. I am plus sized. Very plus sized. And while I certainly do plan on losing some weight before the big day. Even if I lose 50 lbs, I'm still going to be plus sized.

2. For personal reasons I need a high back. I don't mind exposing the ladies up front a bit, but my back needs to be mostly covered.

3. I want a cap sleeve if at all possible because I get hot easy, but am not super comfortable without anything on my arms/shoulders.

4. The dress does have to fit my tastes. Which aren't actually that picky, but I do have some preferences.

5. I don't have a big budget. But this isn't that hard of one to meet since I'm not necessarily looking for a super formal wedding dress. Just a dress a bit more special than I would usually wear.

Personally I don't think this is a very demanding list, but after looking at roughly 2000 dresses, and that is not an exaggeration, I have seen exactly one that might work. But since its viewed online on a skinny model and is nonrefundable if I buy it, its kind of hard to imagine shelling out a big chunk of change on something that I am just considering settling for because its the only one that is sort of ok.

Now don't worry. I have a year, so I'm not going to jump on this sort of ok dress just yet. My point just is, after looking at around 2000 dresses and only finding one that was sort of ok, I'm feeling like this is going to be sort of a hopeless task.

PS. If you were wondering. The hardest criteria from my list to mee is the #2. The high back. And that one is non-negotiable.

Thank You Ebay

So part of my idea for the decorations required obtaining around 75-85 Milk Glass Bud Vases. Originally I had thought I'd just look for them here and there for the next year at rummage sales, goodwills, etc. And then I remembered Ebay. But the shipping charges generally almost doubled the costs of the vases.

I spent one day with Catie trying to look for vases in the area. And after a day of hitting rummage sales and finding no milk glass, and a couple of trips to Goodwill that were somewhat successful, but at that rate I'd probably have to go to 2 or 3 goodwills every week for 4 months to find enough vases, I decided to go back to Ebay.

On average I'd say that purchasing the vases via Ebay probably added about $1.50 per vase extra. Multiplied by 80 vases I was looking at an extra cost of $120.

However. After one week and 2 days of bidding. I now have 75 vases purchased.

I probably spent roughly 20 hours bidding and searching on Ebay vs. approximately 50 hours or more I probably would have spent searching for them in the area. So there was a significant time savings.

Additionally, if I figure out how much gas would have been spent driving around to get them I figure the gas cost would have been about $60.

So at this juncture I would have saved about $60 dollars by looking for them in the area and would have sacrificed about 30 hours of my time.

Now I shall factor in how much Catie and I spent buying other things we didn't really need at the rummage sales we went to. In that one day we spent about $35. Now, I'm sure we wouldn't have spent $35 every time we went rummage saling, but even if we only spent a quarter of that, we would have spent an addtional $100 at least.

So if we recalculate looking for vases in the area would have cost us about $60 in gas and probably $100 in unnecessary purchases, as well as an extra 30 hours of time. Versus the extra $120 per vase by purchasing them on Ebay.

And lets not forget the assumption that I would be able to keep finding what I was looking for in the area at the same rate.

The moral of the story: Using Ebay might have ultimately saved a bit of money ($40) and definitely saved time when it came to purchasing a big portion of our decorations even if it didn't appear so initially when looking at the per item cost. And it definitely insured I got exactly the ones I was looking for versus settling for what was available in the area.

2 Moments of Losing My Cool, 1 Weekend

Moment #1

I got an idea in my head for centerpieces/favors. I ran it by my Dad, my 13 year old niece, Emma, and Catie. Catie was like, "Sure." Dad and Emma both thought it was a cool idea.

In order to carry out this idea I needed to either scour rummage sales and goodwills for weeks on end, or scour Ebay. Clearly Ebay sounded easier. So even though the commitment ceremony is oh, um, 13.5 months away, I decided to start scouring Ebay immediately. And bid on 6 different auctions. By the next day I had already won one, and was winning 3 more. Yay! Right?

No. Not yay. Because suddenly I panicked and wondered if my idea was completely insane and would look ridiculous. And it was too late to turn back because I'd already bid on so many items.

So I dragged Catie to two different Goodwills so we could find enough of what I needed, fortunately we found enough. Then I made her stop at the grocery store to pick up flowers so we could get the full effect of what it would look like. Because, you know, I wasn't going to have enough time in the next 13.5 months to do this another day. It had to be done Right. Now.

Then I put together the centerpiece/favors. And, well...I kind of liked it. But I also kind of thought other people might find it bizarre. So I asked Catie what she thought. I don't know why, since frankly, she is totally apathetic when it comes to this sort of thing. And her initial reaction was that it looked a bit weird. So I changed it up a bit and we both liked it better, but now I was just full of uncertainties. I liked it, but...

So then I took a picture of it with iphone and texted it to my sister, Heather. Who didn't reply immediately. So then I called her 20 minutes later to tell her to check her texts. No, I wasn't acting totally nuts at all.

Fortunately, she liked it. Whew. Let the bidding continue.

Moment #2

Having an internal breakdown tonight when I realized my big day will apparently be sandwiched between the big days of 2 my cousins. All 3 happening in a 1 year time span, with mine in the middle.

Why did this cause me a mini-freakout/breakdown?

Because we have a lot of out of town family. Because I already feel like many in my family don't think of this as "real" simply because its not legal or because of religious ideas. Because most of our family isn't rolling in the dough and probably can't afford to come to town for 3 weddings in less than a year. Because if they are forced to chose, they aren't going to chose mine.

And frankly, all those thoughts make me feel like shit.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm very happy for my cousins. I'm very excited for them because I'm already learning what an incredible roller coaster of mostly fun times planning something like this is. And because I want everyone to know the joy I felt when Catie asked me to marry her, and I especially want that for my family. So of course I'm incredibly happy for them.

But, yeah..

This situation a little bit sucks for me. Its not like I can take back the deposit and the contract now, they've already been paid, signed, sealed and delivered, yo. The date is set. For better or worse. And in the end, its not like I'd change it even if I could. Which is probably how my cousins feel too. Its big their day. They should do it when, where and how they want.

And I should get over my insecurities.

Que sera, sera.

Costs and Reality TV

While watching The Real L Word the other day I nearly choked on the cookie I was eating when the lesbian couple who is getting married were talking about their wedding planner. What did me in? The fact that they are spending more on just their wedding planner than we have budgeted for our entire wedding.

Now I get that these people have way way way more money than me, but still that was hard to fathom.

This made me curious about how much people in different parts of the country spend on their weddings and I discovered: costofwedding.com. First I couldn't believe that the US average is about $20,000. That is just seriously insane to me. But I thought, well that takes into account people who spend millions. So I typed in my zip code and learned that most people in my area spend between $12,500 and $20,000. That is still unreal to me. Our budget is quite a bit lower than the bottom number never mind the upper.

Which made me freak out a bit. Is our budget unrealistic? Am I forgetting to put things in our budget? Is it really possible to throw a party and all that jazz for 130 people and not go broke?

I'm thinking its time to bust out one of those wedding calculator worksheet thingies and really get to business. Cause I have a feeling this is going to cost a lot more than we think it is.

So what are your money saving tips for weddings? I'm willing to hear any suggestions. Ways to save on invitations, favors, decorations, whatever.

In other reality tv news I must confess I got one of my ideas regarding decorations from watching The Real Housewives of New York. I'm not sure which is worse, confessing I've watched that show or stealing decorating ideas from women with some seriously questionable tastes.