The Powers That Be: Part 1 of 2

I believe there is something greater than all of us as individuals at work in the universe. What exactly that is, I am less certain of. So I prefer to refer to this something as The Powers That Be, or TPTB, rather than God. Yes, I got that phrase from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but that doesn't make it any less fitting a name for whatever, or whoever, it is out there that is greater than myself.

But this isn't a post about my theological beliefs. This is a post about what I think the Christian God thinks about my getting married to a woman. My next post, part 2, will be about what I think of some of his followers, the ones who came to my wedding but should have stayed home.

First of all, if there is a God, I don't think he gave much thought or care at all to the fact that I got married, to a woman, or anyone else because he is probably very, very busy with much larger matters. BUT, if he does give a shit, I'm sure he smiled that day when our wedding came on his radar for a brief moment. Because really, if God is good and God is love, how can you not smile at such an outpouring of happiness and love as we experienced that day? From Catie's family and my family. From Catie's friends and my friends and our friends. They spoke so many messages of love to us during the ceremony. Many traveled great distances to be there, more than 20 from out of state. How can so much love be regarded by anyone as wrong?

But there is another way I know he would have been smiling. Because all day Saturday it rained. And all day Sunday it was cloudy and looked like it was going to rain. And Sunday night - scattered showers off and on. But right before and all during our ceremony...


The clouds broke. The sun shined down upon us. And clearly, God was displeased.

Plus that trelis that looks like it was made to be there, and added so much beauty to our setting - left behind, like a gift from the gods, by the people married there the day before.

Also, as Catie will tell you, it is nearly impossible for me to be comfortable with temperature. I have comfort range of like 5 degrees. If it isn't somewhere between 67 and 73, I'm too cold or too hot. That afternoon I do believe it was about 70. I couldn't have scripted the weather better myself. Also, our entire honeymoon, barely a cloud in the sky and low 70's the whole week.



I'm just saying...

Hotels, Tastings and Sound. Oh My.

This week is a busy one for the lesbian bride. And her Wife to be. And her Dad.

This week we, and by we I mean my dad, called around to area hotels to inquire about setting up a block of rooms. It was hard to decide on where to do it as there aren't really any hotels right by the wedding and reception site. Finally we decided on looking at the hotels near where my family mostly lives, which is also close to where Catie and I live. At least this way everyone will be close to each other for other goings-on or get-togethers or car-pooling or whatever.

We settled on the Crowne Plaza in Wauwatosa. Catie and I have been inside it before and it is really nice. They did not give the "bride and groom" a free room as some other hotels were offering, but they will give us an up-grade to a suite. I didn't even know any of this was a perk of reserving a block of rooms, my dad told me and I was like, wooohooo. We weren't planning on staying in a hotel, since we live here, but I have to admit it might be nice to get ready without worrying about cat hair or a messy house or any of the other reasons being at home can be stressful. Plus it was about 30% off of their normal rate for our guests. Bonus.

Hotels of the world, you need to get with the program though, and stop asking for the bride and groom's info. My poor dad would check every single time if it was okay if it was a bride and bride. How about just asking for the happy couple's info or something?

Tomorrow we are headed to taste our food with my mom. Hopefully it tastes fantastic, because if it doesn't, we are pretty much stuck with it anyway. So I'm not sure what the point of the tasting is, but oh well - Free food!

And Friday we go look at sound equipment with my dad, who also set that appointment up for us. Thanks dad!

The Officiant

I'm starting to get a little bit panicky. Catie and I have no clue about who we want to officiate the ceremony.

Neither of us are religious, although we both consider ourselves spiritual.

Neither of us go to church. Catie doesn't go at all. I go very very rarely to the UU church in Brookfield. And it seems completely disingenuous for us to suddenly join just so we can have someone officiate at our wedding.

We don't want to pay some random person a big fee when this isn't even legal. I mean seriously, my three old niece could do it if we wanted from a legal stand point. Because its not legal.

I don't want one of our close family members to do it, because that just doesn't feel right. I'm not sure how to explain why. But neither of us has the kind of relationship with any of our family members where we are like "Hey, I'd really love for so-and-so to marry us."

So what do we want?

Someone who knows us, even if just as an acquaintance. Not just some random stranger.

Someone who would be comfortable doing this.

Someone interested in doing this and willing to sit down and talk with us about what we want and what it all means.

Someone who is very spiritual, but not religious or devoted to the idea that only one faith is right.

Someone who understands why two people would bother getting "married" when it has nothing to do with religion or the law.

Someone who feels like they have something meaningful to contribute to this moment.

We are both pretty much at a total loss over who this person could be. Its freaking me out. And I'm sort of beginning to think we should just can the whole ceremony and skip to the party. Even though that isn't what my heart really wants to do.

One Year From Today. Or, Why Should You Have a Wedding?

One year from today Catie and I will be waking up a committed couple. But aren't we already?

I think it could be argued that our marriage really began on October 27th, 2009 when we closed on our first house, together. I mean, suddenly we had joint accounts and joint debts, we weren't just living together. A separation would suddenly get exponentially complicated.

Or maybe our marriage began on June 28th, 2010 when we went down to the county courthouse and raised our right hands and said, "I do." After all, this is the day when our commitment became legal. It might not give all the rights and benefits of marriage under the law, but it still has to be legally undone before we can get hitched to anyone else.

One of our friends, Dan, once said he believed that marriage began privately when you got engaged and publicly when you had the ceremony and celebration. So maybe we got married on June 11th, 2010 when Catie proposed to me at Pride Fest.

So if between the two of us we have affirmed our commitment to each other at least 3 times, and if we are legally already as married as we can be, then why bother with the big expensive shindig?

Well, I think it's partially the second part of what Dan believes, that sharing the moment in celebration with friends and family is how we make this marriage part of the "public" consciousness. It's saying, "Hey world! Guess what? We found someone we want intend to spend the rest our lives with and it is important to us that you all know it." But not just know it. Rather, that you recognize and respect it.

That when you introduce us to new people you don't just say, "This is my daughter or sister or friend _____, and her friend _____." Because you know that our relationship has meaning to it beyond just friendship.

But there is another reason for the party as well. In the words of Brian Kinney, a character from the show Queer as Folk, "The only thing worth celebrating is accomplishment." And I ask you, what the frak is more worth celebrating than two people actually finding someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with?

Anyone who hasn't found that someone until later in life. Anyone who has had to dip their toes repeatedly in the dating pool just to find someone they could tolerate even a second date with. Anyone who has been so burned by love they have thought that the last thing they would ever want to do is look for anything that serious again can tell you what an enormous accomplishment it is to find someone who you choose to change your life for. Because all the things you thought you wanted suddenly seem a tiny bit less important than figuring out how to compromise your wants and needs to make them mesh with someone else's so you can both be happy and still share your lives together.

Actually finding one single person out of the thousands you will encounter in your lifetime, who makes you decide that you want to be married to them is possibly the biggest accomplishment you will ever achieve. So what could be more worth a huge, expensive party? If ever there is a time for ceremony and celebration, this is it.