Costs and Reality TV

While watching The Real L Word the other day I nearly choked on the cookie I was eating when the lesbian couple who is getting married were talking about their wedding planner. What did me in? The fact that they are spending more on just their wedding planner than we have budgeted for our entire wedding.

Now I get that these people have way way way more money than me, but still that was hard to fathom.

This made me curious about how much people in different parts of the country spend on their weddings and I discovered: costofwedding.com. First I couldn't believe that the US average is about $20,000. That is just seriously insane to me. But I thought, well that takes into account people who spend millions. So I typed in my zip code and learned that most people in my area spend between $12,500 and $20,000. That is still unreal to me. Our budget is quite a bit lower than the bottom number never mind the upper.

Which made me freak out a bit. Is our budget unrealistic? Am I forgetting to put things in our budget? Is it really possible to throw a party and all that jazz for 130 people and not go broke?

I'm thinking its time to bust out one of those wedding calculator worksheet thingies and really get to business. Cause I have a feeling this is going to cost a lot more than we think it is.

So what are your money saving tips for weddings? I'm willing to hear any suggestions. Ways to save on invitations, favors, decorations, whatever.

In other reality tv news I must confess I got one of my ideas regarding decorations from watching The Real Housewives of New York. I'm not sure which is worse, confessing I've watched that show or stealing decorating ideas from women with some seriously questionable tastes.

Save the Date - The Lesbian Bride has a Venue

The booking of our venue sort of traumatized me for a couple weeks when I'd reached my breaking point dealing with the place we wanted. As a result I steered clear of thinking of all things wedding related as much as possible until it was settled.

Catie finally went down to the place and was able to actually meet with the event coordinator. It was only our 4th combined trip there to see talk to her, but whatever.

I didn't go because when I'm upset I get slightly irrational and overly emotional. So she went on her own.

First thing she asked was if they had ever hosted a commitment ceremony before. The answer was no and yes. As of that day they had not. But by the end of this month, they will have. So at least we know we won't be the guinea pigs and they aren't as a rule opposed to it or something.

The unfortunate part was that because it took so long to make this happen, all our top dates were chosen. But in the end that fact proved to save us $3000 off the room minumum.

Why did we save such a vast sum? Because Sunday receptions have a rate $3000 less than Saturdays. And while I was generally opposed to a Sunday ceremony and reception because people have to work the next day, it turned out that Sunday, September 4th, 2011 was available. The Sunday of Labor Day weekend. Which means most people won't have to work the next day and we get to save money. I'm all for that. I know it isn't always a plus for the guests to have a wedding to attend on a holiday weekend. And I know this means that more people probably won't be able to come than if it had been on a non-holiday weekend. But as our wedding budget is very very tight, we could hardly pass up this savings.

Now lets all just hope it isn't ungodly hot. The reception site is air conditioned, but the outdoor ceremony site, clearly, is not. And neither is the inclement weather facility I believe. If it is ungodly hot. I will understand if you all just skip the ceremony and show up for the reception. :D I might do the same.

The contract was finally received in the mail on Saturday. And Catie and I signed it and will send it and the deposit back tomorrow. So 9.4.11 it is, at Hubbard Park and Hubbard Park Lodge. See you there!

Pissed Off

So apparently none of the three dates I asked about are available. Though remember they were when we started this whole fiasco 3 weeks ago. But she says the following weekend is.

But I think I'm done with Hubbard Park Lodge. The staff is clearly incompetent at best or homophobic at worst. This whole situation has just totally bummed me out. I can't believe I have gone from being so incredibly excited about it to absolutely let down in just 2 weeks. And I keep searching for another option but there are none I can find that I both like and we can afford and is the right size.

And when I think of all the time I've wasted on this the last 3 weeks. And the reality that in that time other places have become booked, it just pisses me off.

I know the only important part is supposed to be the meaning of the commitment ceremony, not the what, where, when, and how. But whatever. In some respects I'm a total girl and I've been thinking about what I would want if I were ever going to do this for years. And what I've always envisioned is just not going to happen.

Please no comments meant to cheer me up or telling me there is something else out there for us if we just take the time to find it. I'm pissed off. I think I have a right to be pissed off. And such comments will just piss me off more.

ETA:Catie, who is much calmer about these things than I am, is going to meet with the coordinator tomorrow, hopefully, and try to get a read on her, a better idea of the situation, and then decide for us if we are going to give up on this joint or not. Because I am neither calm nor rational when something is upsetting me.

A letter to the owner always works...sort of

First, Let me say that Catie and I are now officially Domestic Partners in the state of WI. We went back to the Courthouse yesterday to pick up our approved application and file it.

It was a very happy moment for both of us. :D Although I can't not mention that it does greatly bother me that I have to pay the same for the domestic partnership as you do for a marriage license. And yet the license gives your around 1100 legal rights/benefits and the domestic partnership only gives you 43. If we were paying per right granted, the marriage license would cost $106 and the dp would cost roughly $4.16. I know I should probably just focus on the joy of the occasion. But its pretty hard not to be upset a little by the difference.

Now on to other things. I finally wrote a letter to the owner of the company that operates Hubbard Park Lodge. In it I asked if we were being ignored because we were having a commitment ceremony.

And wouldn't you know it, the very next day I got a phone call from the event coordinator we'd been trying to get in touch with for 11 days.

Yay!

Or maybe not, because 11 days before the dates we had wanted were all available. Now they are booked.

Of course they are.

I wrote back and asked about one weekend later than we had wanted. It'll be getting risky with the weather, but it could pay off in a beautiful fall day. I shall let you know what the verdict is and if we will be looking elsewhere once again.

I'm sorry it has been so long between posts. Not for a lack of things to say, but just because this lesbian bride has now been working for 10 straight days and is incredibly crabby and tired.

What Would You Do? Getting Snubbed

Of all the venues I have looked at there has only been one that I'm really loving, Hubbard Park Lodge.

But I'm starting to get the feeling our kind isn't wanted there.

Why you ask?

Well, let's see -

I've now sent 3 different unanswered emails to 3 different people who work there. Over the course of a week and a half.

I've left a voice message that was returned with a voicemail that only gave one option to talk to someone was to go there in person when they are open on Friday or Sunday.

We went on Friday, it was closed for a wedding.

We went on Sunday, there person we were supposed to talk to wasn't there.

We left a message with our names and numbers for the person we were supposed to talk to with the hostess, who told us the event coordinator would call that day.

Its four days later and she hasn't called.

So at what point do you take a hint?

In the very last email I sent, to contact #3, I flat out asked if our inquiries weren't being responded to because the Lodge isn't interested in hosting a same-sex ceremony.

As of yet, I have had no reply to this email either.

My head tells me I should give up and move on. In all other circumstances, if a company was this unprofessional, repeatedly, I would say fuck it, and not give them my business. But I haven't seen anything else that i've liked and could afford.

This situation totally sucks.

To further add to my good mood Wisconsin's Hight Court upheld the marriage ban today

Some days I really hate the world.

Will you be my domestic partner?

Today Catie and I went to the Milwaukee County Courthouse and applied for a Wisconsin Domestic Partnership.

Although it felt rather official to raise our right hands and say, "I do," and although the rights this will give us are important, which is why we did it, I don't want anyone to be fooled that this really means all that much in the eyes of the law.

In fact while doing this will grant us 43 rights. It leaves out around 1100 that are granted to straight couples when they apply for their marriage licenses.

Its not fair. Its not right. I work hard. I pay my taxes. I have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, just like everyone else. I shouldn't be treated like a second class citizen. I shouldn't have to be grateful for getting something that is so far less than that which is granted to my friends, families and neighbors.

But I'm still happy that now Catie is legally obligated to keep me fed, clothed, and sheltered. And vice versa of course.

And saying, "I do," with her felt sorta nice too. :D

Moms and Venues

After scouring every wedding website we could find on the internets for venues in Milwaukee, and ruling out all hotels because they just don't "feel like us", we happened to stumble on a location that piqued our interest.

We had originally contacted the Lakefront Brewery Palm Garden because it looked interesting to us and in an email response found out that it was WAY out of budget. However, the management also operates another facility, The Hubbard Park Lodge. And this one, although still slightly above our budget, was much more reasonable. Moreover, it actually looked like it might be something we would like even more.

We were informed that the event coordinator was there on friday nights and sunday mornings and that you could just stop by for a tour and to talk to her during those times. Friday nights they have a fish fry (its a Milwaukee thing) and Sunday mornings/afternoon they have a brunch. So we decided to go check it out.

I thought it would be a good idea to invite my parents along for a couple of reasons. 1. Catie and I aren't used to envisioning what large crowds look like in confined spaces. We needed help visualizing if a place would work for our needs. 2. I thought it would be nice to include my mom. She and I can be like oil and water. Which is, consequently, the reason the other half my brain was screaming that I shouldn't ask them to come along.

I decided to ask them to come.

I love you mom, but a lot of times it would just be nice if you said, "Oh this is a lovely spot and I think it would work." or "Oh this isn't going to be big enough, I'm sorry."

Instead I get a list of 80 different places we could also consider (which I'd mostly looked into already) And a 100 examples of what so and so did for their wedding, which frankly I just don't care about.

I know I should be more patient. But I'm just not the kind of person who cares about what anyone else did or who is looking for a 1000 suggestions. I like to do things I think of doing in ways and places I discover. And I just want you to tell me if its crazy or brilliant or both.

Needless to say there was bickering. Especially when, while eyeing the nearby Milwaukee River, my mom proclaimed that we needed to hire a babysitter for the small children who would be there. Even after I told her, probably 4 times at least, that there would only be a maximum of 4 or 5 small children at the wedding. 2 of whom were my sister's. And Catie was behind me slowly getting more and more annoyed because she thinks, and I don't disagree, that its a parents job to watch their kid and if they can't then its their job to find someone to do it. But my mom would just not let the topic drop. Or be swayed from her insane notion that it was our job to hire a babysitter for the possible 4 kids at this wedding, two of whom would be my sister's.

Argh.

Like I said, I love you mom, but don't be offended when I don't ask you to visit the next venue with us.

Although, there probably won't be any next visits, cause we sorta loved Hubbard Park Lodge.

Wedding Websites I've used so far for finding venues:
On Milwaukee Article
Premier Bride: Good long list with thumbnail pic and simple description and links to the venues website. Very useful.
The Knot: Popular but I didn't use this one as much as the others.
Wedding Mapper: Nice that I could read reviews at this one without joining.
Milwaukee County Parks Rentals Site - Handy for finding all the different places. Although ultimately none of the county parks worked for us because they either insist on a very pricey caterer - Bartolatta's or Zilli Group depending on venue. Or, in the case of South Shore Pavillion, it was musty smelling, lol.

The Ring

First let me say I love my engagement ring. It is beautiful and somehow reflects both my tastes and Catie's. She did a fantastic job picking it out. It is a round-cut 3/4 carat solitaire flanked by two 1/2 carat round rubies set in white gold. Catie choose rubies because she knew they are my favorite stone, and i'm not that big on diamonds. And white gold because I have weird skin sensitivities and yellow gold tends to irritate my skin. Maybe one of these days I'll get ambitious and start adding some pics to these posts and then you can all see it.

But I debated posting specifically about my ring because Catie told me right off the bat it was not a natural diamond. Although I was more than ok with that for 2 reasons. 1. I need to buy a car and we have to pay for wedding. We really don't have the cash to be spending ridiculous sums of money on a ring. 2. I wouldn't have wanted to wonder if my stone came from questionable origins, even the supposedly "conflict-free" canadian diamonds are anything but. Howver, my being ok with that and my being ok with telling the world "Yes, this is my ring and not every part of it is natural, although it sure damn looks like it," are two entirely different things.

Since I'm a curious person, I then couldn't help myself and felt the need to investigate the origins of my stone and holy crap, who knew there was such a shit storm of info and accusations flying from every corner of the industry over different types of man-made diamonds, or synthetic diamonds, or stones that are basically cubic zirconia just really really well done? For about 24 hours I felt confused and unsure about my ring. And guilty for feeling it. I had no idea what Catie had paid for it, and I didn't want her to have been ripped off. And I didn't want to say anything to hurt her feelings either. And she had gone to the trouble of special ordering it for me, because of the rubies, which I know she doesn't like doing. She is more a brick and mortar kind of shopper, especially with large purchases.

However, I also didn't want my concerns to eat away at me. So finally I said something to her, and flat out asked her what she paid. Armed with that knowledge I then I investigated similar prices for this sort of gem, with rubies and in white gold with similar settings. I felt much better after that because at least I knew she hadn't been ripped off, it was a fair price.

And aside from that, within 24 hours I'd come to another conclusion. This is a billion dollar industry. From Moissanite to Gemesis to Diamond Nexus to the diamond giant of De Beers to Asha to a whole host of other companies producing real or simulants or synthetics, there are billions to be lost and won. And De Beers in particular, who had the most to lose, has gone to great length it seems to discredit the other options.

In other words, I wouldn't pay attention to what any one has to say about any of them. If you like how it looks, and I do like how mine looks, that is really all that should matter.

Next: The search for a commitment ceremony venue continues.

Venue Reality Check

One of my pet rats, November, died yesterday. It hasn't left me feeling very much like blogging. But I skipped yesterday's blog so I decided not to let it go two days in a row. So on to the wedding madness...

If I had been smart I would have at least taken the weekend to just enjoy the intense happiness I was experiencing post-proposal. But we both have a habit of spending a bit of time online before turning in for the night and my curiosity got the better of me. I started poking around looking at venue websites.

I mean, is there a girl out there who hasn't at least once imagined what their wedding/commitment ceremony day might look like? I naturally had some ideas of the places that I considered the bees knees. And now that it wasn't just going to be a fantasy, I couldn't help but check out if some of them could be a reality.

And thats when I learned two horrifying facts. 1. Those places are freaking expensive. 2. People apparently book their weddings two years in advance.

It wasn't like I was looking at the Calatrava for goodness sake. I mean I knew that a place like that would be out of my league and much sought after. And it wasn't like I was wishing to be a june bride. Nope. I was looking for mid-september. 16 months from now. And already places which were more moderately priced, and its not my definition of moderate by the way, I just mean they were cheaper than most other places, they were still freaking expensive in my book, were booked through September of 2011.

Suddenly it became clear that we had no time to waste as one by one the places I'd once had a passing thought of getting married in fell by the wayside. We needed to book a place as soon as possible. And before we could do that we needed a guest list so we would know how big of a place we needed.

I informed Catie of all of this and she informed me she had already started working on the song selection. Because, you know, when a wedding is 16 months away, the song list is totally high on the priority list.

After expressing the urgency of the situation to her, she finally got on board. Before the weekend was over we both had spread sheets with our guest lists and determined we needed a place for between 100-150 guests. With that knowledge in hand, the both us started researching possibilities diligently. Well, I started researching diligently. Catie flitted back and forth between that and the song selections.

We immediately came up with two good possibilities and set off to visit them that same weekend. The first, The Lakfefront Brewery Palm Garden, was ultimately too expensive. The second, The South Shore Pavilion was too stinky and apparently gave Catie bad vibes because she had once attended a lesbian Valentines Day dance there and had not had a good time. But it is a beautiful setting. And fairly inexpensive. Now if we could just get rid of the musty smell...

In less then 48 hours I went from being all OMG CATIE ASKED ME TO MARRY HER!!!!! Happiness!!! to omg I have to plan a fucking party for 150 people on a very tight budget stess.

I should have taken a few days to just bask in the joy.

Next Up: The Ring.

The Proposal

I have no recollection of what I was wearing the day Catie proposed, even though it was less than a week ago, but I do remember she was wearing a pair of army style camo cargo shorts. This will have relevance later on.

I also remember when I got home from work that day I yelled at her for some stupid reason that had to do with a phone call. We both have a fear of the telephone. Making phone calls is often a source of tension in our house. Later when I realized what an amazing thing she was doing for me that day, I would feel like a total ass for yelling at her and consider apologizing. But I never did because the rest of the night I was so freaking happy I didn't want to taint it, and also because I wasn't really sorry for yelling at her, just sorry for making her feel bad, the yelling was well deserved.

So after our little argument we set off to pick up my sister and head to the festival grounds for the opening night of Pridefest. We wandered about, purchased a giant rainbow flag, read about the LGBT history of Milwaukee, and took pictures with the FagBug, after purchasing a DVD of the documentary. Shortly thereafter we met up with Cally, Catie's sister.

Then the four of us repeated the tour of the grounds for Cally's sake, about halfway through I was so tired all I wanted to do was try and go see if we could find seats by the main stage. Kathy Griffin was the headliner and she would not be on stage until after 11pm. My day starts at 5am. There was no way I wanted to be on my feet all night long. So when Catie suggested a walk by the lake I declined. I should have been suspicious right then and there. Catie doesn't usually advocate doing things that require extra walking. After I said no, Cally piped up that she wanted to go to the lake too, in a tone that left no room for argument. That probably should have tipped me off. Instead I just followed along feeling puzzled by everyone's obsession with walking by the lake.

So the four of us are walking when we spot a stage with some belly dancers. So we stop to watch a bit. I'd never seen a male belly dancer before. Then we continue on our way when I declare I have to go to the ladies room and split off from everyone. Poor Catie. All this time she is just trying to steer me towards the damn lake. Apparently after the bathroom break she gives up, because we are walking on path through a grassy area near the children's play zone, and still not by the lake when she stops me and somehow maneuvers me so that we are facing each other instead of side by side. And not for the last time I ask, "What are you doing?"

So she leans in for a kiss and I give her a nice chaste little peck, we are in public after all and my sister is 4 feet away, and then I try to turn and continue walking. But she stops me with her hands on my arms and again, "What are you doing?"

Her hands glide down my arms and she says, "Relax," and for a fleeting second I'm annoyed because I think she is about to pick an eyelash off me. Random much? Not really. I lose them with alarming frequency and she always spots them and plucks them off of me at random times. But we are in public, and i've told her before no picking things off of me in public. Its just weird. So yeah, annoyed.

All of this is running through my head keeping me from realizing she has somehow gotten down on one knee without my being aware of it. All I can think is now what the hell is she doing on the ground. Maybe if I ask a third time I'll get it, "What are you doing?"

What can I say. I'm a little slow sometimes.

I'd like to give you a play by play at this point. But I totally can't. Shock destroyed the memory. But I do remember processing that she was holding a sizable ring box that seemed to have magically appeared out of no where, in reality it had been in her giant camo cargo pockets all along. And that inside that box was a really beautiful ring. Which made no sense to me at all. Catie doesn't randomly buy me jewelry.

She especially doesn't buy it for me and then give it to me while down on one knee in front of an audience. Oh.

I don't think I said yes at first. I think I might have said, "Oh my god. What are you doing?" Even though by this point I knew darn well what she was doing. There was kissing and hugging and eventually a "Yes, of course." Then there was applause and a couple of "Woohoos" from a group of girls who happened to be passing by.

There was also an awkward moment where I could not remember which hand I was supposed to put the ring on. I had to ask. It was embarrassing. I'd like to clarify at this juncture that I do know which hand it is supposed to be on. But holy hell people, how's a girl supposed to remember something like that when the girl of her dreams has just asked her to marry her?

Tomorrow: Curiousity kills the Cat

This blog

I blog other places. I have a facebook account. I have many well established venues I could use to write endless posts about my lesbian wedding. But by post number four or five or six, most people I know would be ready to defriend me. I know that is how I felt about my recently married co-worker who spoke of little else other than her big day for the last 2 months. Many a morning in the locker room I wished desperately that I could just log off.

So to spare friends and family the agony of reading every minute and possibly boring detail. And yet to still allow me to do what I like best - post daily about whatever is consuming my brain - I am starting a brand new blog.

Dedicated solely to my Big. Lesbian. Wedding.

Tomorrow: The Proposal.