The Powers That Be: Part 1 of 2

I believe there is something greater than all of us as individuals at work in the universe. What exactly that is, I am less certain of. So I prefer to refer to this something as The Powers That Be, or TPTB, rather than God. Yes, I got that phrase from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but that doesn't make it any less fitting a name for whatever, or whoever, it is out there that is greater than myself.

But this isn't a post about my theological beliefs. This is a post about what I think the Christian God thinks about my getting married to a woman. My next post, part 2, will be about what I think of some of his followers, the ones who came to my wedding but should have stayed home.

First of all, if there is a God, I don't think he gave much thought or care at all to the fact that I got married, to a woman, or anyone else because he is probably very, very busy with much larger matters. BUT, if he does give a shit, I'm sure he smiled that day when our wedding came on his radar for a brief moment. Because really, if God is good and God is love, how can you not smile at such an outpouring of happiness and love as we experienced that day? From Catie's family and my family. From Catie's friends and my friends and our friends. They spoke so many messages of love to us during the ceremony. Many traveled great distances to be there, more than 20 from out of state. How can so much love be regarded by anyone as wrong?

But there is another way I know he would have been smiling. Because all day Saturday it rained. And all day Sunday it was cloudy and looked like it was going to rain. And Sunday night - scattered showers off and on. But right before and all during our ceremony...


The clouds broke. The sun shined down upon us. And clearly, God was displeased.

Plus that trelis that looks like it was made to be there, and added so much beauty to our setting - left behind, like a gift from the gods, by the people married there the day before.

Also, as Catie will tell you, it is nearly impossible for me to be comfortable with temperature. I have comfort range of like 5 degrees. If it isn't somewhere between 67 and 73, I'm too cold or too hot. That afternoon I do believe it was about 70. I couldn't have scripted the weather better myself. Also, our entire honeymoon, barely a cloud in the sky and low 70's the whole week.



I'm just saying...

Something Old, Something New

So we weren't particularly concerned with having something old, something new, something borrowed or something blue until the 9th or 10th person asked us if were going to. Which means we had no plans for this.

But I think we still managed to sort of meet the requirements.

Something old: Catie's undershirt.

Something new: Practically everything else we were wearing.

Something borrowed: The ceremony. We aren't Quakers. But we basically took all our ideas for our wedding, from those that are used in a Friends wedding. The type of ceremony and the signing of the certifcate. All borrowed from them. I hope they don't mind. But after talking to a friend one day about what I wanted, she told me to check out Friends' ceremonies. And what do you know, it was exactly the type of thing I had in mind.

Although, after exploring in preparation for the big day, I told Catie that if I wasn't far too lazy and uncommitted to be a part of a religious structure, I would definitely consider being a Quaker. They are pretty awesome. That's my mom in the picture signing our certificate. There will be more about the certificate later, in the "Things that went wrong" blog entry.

And of course, Something blue: Catie's underwear. I know she will be thrilled that I shared that with all of you.

The Big Day: Part 1 of ?

I think I will do this in several short entries because it seems impossible to capture everything at once. And before you ask, don't worry, there will be pictures...eventually.

First a rundown of what we did and didn't do/have and how I feel about it now.

Rehearsal Dinner

Small affair with just our parents, siblings and their spouses, 2 friends who are immediate family to me by choice, and 1 other friend who was the only person technically in the wedding. This was PERFECT. At 16 people the group was small enough for everyone to get to talk to each other and get to know one another. And it didn't feel like anyone who really should have been there was excluded. It was also at a casual mexican restaurant which meant it was very easy going and relaxed. It also wasn't overwhelming for Catie and I.

There was another gathering after dinner at the hotel with dessert and drinks that my parents hosted for my many friends and family from out of town. Catie and I did not attend this. I feel a little bad that we didn't spend the extra time with these people, but no regrets about it since we had too much to do the night before and also took some time to relax by ourselves.

I wouldn't change a thing about the Rehearsal Dinner.

Photographer

We didn't have one. The jury is still out on whether or not I think this was wise. I think it will end up being just fine. Catie's sister Cally and my cousin Jessica were both snapping away. I feel very confident that between the two of them there will be at least a few wonderful photos worthy of framing and plenty of others to go in the album. I am also extremely grateful that they both spent so much of their time doing this. And owe them both a big THANK YOU.

There also seemed to be plenty of other people taking pictures and we asked all of them to upload them to a snapfish account. There are a couple of shots that I would have liked that we didn't get. So that is a bit of a bummer. But on the whole, I don't think I'll regret foregoing the photographer. It saved A LOT of money, and I think we will have plenty of photos to cherish.

DJ

We didn't have one. We just rented the sound equipment. I have NO REGRETS about this. I feel a bit bad that Catie's brother, Matt. had to spend a some time hanging out taking care of the music. And that Catie kept obsessing about things being to loud or quiet. And I did have a moment of panic when it came to getting someone to announce the first dance, but our brother-in-law, Bob, took care of that for us. And in the end it all went pretty smooth. Plus, running everything off our computer gave our friends the chance to go set up a play-list later in the evening called, "Taking Over". Which was fine by us. Our goal with the music was to get the people who wanted to dance out there dancing, and for the most part they were. A couple of lulls on the dance floor but never for long. And being able to have complete control and choice of songs was well worth any disadvantage of not having a DJ. If I were doing it again, I wouldn't do anything differently.

For the ceremony, we had a disc of music we ran from a boom box. It was 30 minutes long. We had a friend hit play at 4:00. Pause it for a moment at the second to last song. We walked down the aisle during the last song. And it wasn't in repeat, so no one had to turn it off. Cheap, easy, and for us worked out just fine. We had exactly the music we wanted. And I don't think anyone present cared that it wasn't some professional set up. NO REGRETS

Decorations

With the help of family and friends we did everything ourselves. It was time consuming, and in the end possible didn't save all that much. But it was so worth it. Everything looked exactly how I wanted it to. And to me, fresh beautiful flowers don't need much other fanfare to go with them. We bought all our flowers from wherever the day before, and sisters, friends and cousins formed an assembly line of cutting and vase stuffing. We did have to go to about 8 different area stores to find all the specific flowers I wanted. So maybe just ordering them would have been better. BUT the flower budget is the only budget that we actually came in UNDER budget at. And we had more than we needed. And it just looked fantastic. So in the end, I wouldn't do this differently either. Also, I just tried out a few cost calculators and wholesalers online. I'd say we cut costs by over 50% by doing everything ourselves.

We also skipped any and all flowers for ourselves and family. We had no attendants, so we didn't need flowers for them. This saved a fortune. And didn't seem to be missed by anyone. Catie and I never wanted to carry bouquets, so this was an easy decision. We actually had meant to get corsages for our moms, but forgot. They didn't seem to be missing having them. Certainly the day was made no more or less wonderful for anyone because they didn't get a boutineer.

And we had 0 decorations for the ceremony. Well, this isn't true. We paid for 0 decorations for the ceremony except for 1 table cloth. It was outdoors. In a beautiful setting. Why would we need to decorate??? And, in a stroke of unbelievable luck, the people who had gotten married there the day before had left behind this beautiful archway thingy made of branches. So this part of our budget cost 20 dollars for the table cloth. And I definitely have NO REGRETS here.

Cake

Done by friend. Tasted FANTASTIC. And looked AWESOME. I'll admit, no matter how confident you are in a friend, there is some trepidation that comes with going this route rather than with someone who does this for a living. But It was perfect for us. And I'm not sure I'll be able to thank Becca enough for this. The only cost to us was cost of ingredients. So our savings was tremendous and this was an unbelievable wedding gift to receive from someone. Definitely no regrets here.

Ok, that is it for this post!

Wedding Update

I'm not even sure I remember how to do this, it has been so long.

The Dress
Had a fitting last week. It was great except there was some funkiness with the length, some of which, for reasons I still can't quite understand, can't be totally fixed. But I'm told it will look much better. Let's hope so, because my next fitting is August 17th. There won't be time for any more alterations after that.

Catie's Duds
Catie's first shirt arrived and didn't fit. The second one does, but the sleeves are too long. She still doesn't have pants. I am hoping to get these purchased tomorrow and then take both the shirt and pants (if they need it) to a tailor. Anyone have any recommendations? I have no idea how hard it is to shorten sleeves.

The Invitations/The Lesbian Bride Had a Total Meltdown
The day Catie was going to mail the invitations, she noticed something. We had no time for the ceremony anywhere on the invite. And of course all the invites were already sealed and ready to be mailed. I, having just got off work, and having worked a ridiculous 60 some odd hours that week, lost my shit. Catie more sensibly called my sisters and they miraculously made everything all better. Heather realized they could fit it in at the top of the invite and indeed, it looked like it was always supposed to be there. And then Catie reprinted and reassembled while Heather and Hillary carefully opened all 65 invites, and then carefully glued the envelopes back together. I took a nap.

RSVPs
To be fair, we are actually doing fairly well in this department. I think we have 75% returned. But that doesn't mean that the ones that haven't been returned aren't making me totally batty. What's the hold up, yo? I do know in a couple of cases the people aren't sure if they can attend or not yet, but some other people apparently just have a need to make us wait. Also, more than 1/3 of our guests have opted for the vegetarian entree. Who knew?

Losing My Control Freak Ways
Well, more like too tired to be a control freak. 62 hours of overtime in a 4 week time span has made me say things like, "I don't care what the cake looks like. You take care of that. I don't even want to know what is happening anymore." And also, "Get whichever bags you want for the favors. You have good taste. They'll be cute. I just don't care anymore." And, "I don't care what kind of cookies. (sister tells me something I can't quite hear because I've dropped my cell phone 4 times in the last week and it is barely functioning) Those sound great."

I will admit though, I'm starting to get a little nervous about this whole, we'll-just-wing-it-on-the-flowers-the-day-of plan. It seems like a very risky proposition now.

In 7 more days I will done with my crazy work schedule, I will also only have 4 weeks until the wedding. Eek. Expect to hear more from me then.

Wedding Update: The dress

It has been a really long time since I last updated. Almost two months. Sometimes it is hard to find the time and energy. Life has been full, with ups and downs. And it was always my intent to keep this blog sort of focused on the wedding (with an occasional spattering of politics) but it can be hard to write about these things when so much else is on my mind. But anyway...

I got my dress! I thought it would be a terribly traumatic event. But I looked online. I found a dress I liked at David's Bridal. I made an appointment. I went with Catie. I tried on 4 dresses.

Dress number 1 was HIDEOUS. White and frumpy and horrible.

Dress number 2 was my second favorite. I actually really liked it. And it looked decent on me. But it was A WEDDING DRESS. Super formal. And a whole lot of dress. Too much for what our day will be like.

Dress number 3 was my favorite from online. It is tea length, layered in lace with some touches of beading all over and a matching little bolero jacket. It is adorable. It is currently hanging in my spare room, awaiting a fitting in June. :D

Dress number 4 was sort of cool, but totally not me. It would be me if I was 45. And getting married for the second time. Catie said it made me look like a vampire, in a cool, sexy way I hope.

So in the end, not painful at all. But probably because I already knew what I want. If had gone in there with no idea what I wanted, it would not have been fun.

Also, I think it was good that I only brought Catie with me, who I instructed in advance to lie to me if she could tell I was in love with something she didn't really care for. When you already know what you want, the last thing you need is 3 or 4 different opinions about what you should get. And I'm really not a big fan of having lots of people focusing their attention on me. So my advice to all you brides-to-be out there - If having 4 or 5 people critique your taste is not your thing, don't feel like you have to bring a crowd with you. They will get over not coming with if you explain why you didn't want them there. And you can always do what I'm doing, invite them to a fitting and ask them to help you accessorize. Then they can still be a part of the experience in some way.

You can click on dress 2 and 3 to see what they look like. Although the models look better in both of them than I do. So keep that in mind when you see me in #3 on my wedding day! Sadly I couldn't find pictures of dress 1 and 4. Perhaps because #1 is too hideous to display online, it could scare customers off.

Now we just have to figure out what Catie is wearing. In case you were wondering, it definitely won't be a dress.

Tasting, Yay! (And Why You Won't Be Eating Pork or Beef)

Mostly working on the wedding gives me a headache. But so far, some things have been quite fun.

I already mentioned that registering was sort of fun. But I also really enjoyed the tasting.

Duh right? But I was sort of dreading it as all social interactions with strangers make me ridiculously nervous. But my nerves were overcome by the fact that I had been on weight watchers for 4 weeks at that point and all this incredibly delicious food was put in front of me and I had to eat it. No choice. Guilt-free eating.

So last Thursday my mom, Catie, and I headed to Hubbard Park Lodge to meet with their banquet manager and chef and try out the food. I must add, Hubbard Park is gorgeous in the winter. And very cold.

I had anticipated that there would be disagreement between Catie, Mom and I over what would be good. The salads came out. Two kinds of salad. Three kinds of dressing and a unanimous decision about which combo was best. Huh. Well that was easy.

On to the veggies. Two choices. And again, all 3 of us liked the same one best. Weird.

Next set of choices, the starch. And here I totally think the fact that we are all on weight watchers totally helped us to agree. What deprived fat girl isn't going to choose creamy buttery mashed potatoes over wild rice? So good.

Finally, the entrees. I was the most nervous about these, because we were only getting to try the 3 we planned on offering as our choices, so if we didn't like one, we'd be making a different selection blind. Vegetarian option - All three of us agreed, so good. Fish option - quite tasty. Finally, chicken, and the last curve-ball: three different sauce choices. Sauce one: We all thought it was good, but nothing special. Sauce two: Interesting, very tasty. Sauce three: Well, as my mom put it as she sipped the remaining sauce straight from the bowl with a spoon, "This could be soup. I could eat a cup of this without the chicken." All three of us were in love with it.

I am quite certain that a circumstance where my mother, myself, and Catie have to all agree on 4 different decisions and will have complete agreement on one of them, much less 4, will never ever occur again. So the tasting gets a big smiley face and added to the fun column.

Everyone keeps telling me I won't get to eat at my wedding, I hope this isn't true. But at least I got to enjoy the tasting.

It was also nice to sit down in the lodge with the banquet manager and discuss some of the details of what would be happening without lot of other people around. We'd been to the lodge before for friday fish fry and the sunday brunch, but it was great to get a good feel for the space again without distractions. The experience overall put me a lot more at ease when thinking about the big day.

PS: If you are wondering where the beef or the pork is, I don't eat it. The pork and beef industry is extremely bad for the environment. And pigs are very smart and sensitive animals. I don't feel right about eating them, or encouraging others to do so. While I have issues with the fishing and poultry industries as well, I still personally eat seafood and poultry and have fewer qualms about it. So while I don't judge others for eating what they like, you'll forgive me if I don't want to supply it for you.

Education - Our Epic Fail

When I went to grade school I had art classes with an art teacher, music classes with a music teacher, gym classes with a gym teacher, and a Librarian to help discover the wonder of reading. No one expected that my regular teacher, who already worked hard enough, would also expect to be all of these things as well, oh and by the way, be paid less than a baby-sitter is for doing it.

I don't understand why adults of today don't think that children of today deserve the same opportunities as part of their public education. I don't understand why we are so selfish and mean. I don't understand why people think we can have all these things for free. They cost money.

We are taxed for a reason. Roads aren't free, government isn't free, a military isn't free. Nothing is free. Why do people have such a problem paying taxes?

Why do people who make hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars have such a problem paying more taxes when they can easily afford it? Why should someone who makes $100,000 have to pay more than someone who makes $40,000? Because they can afford to and because it is the right thing to do. We need all kinds of workers to make this world run. Not all of us can be the millionaires. You are lucky enough to be one of them. Then fucking realize how fortunate you are and be happy you are able to give more.

I can't easily afford it. I make about $30,000 a year, and yet I would GLADLY give another $1000 of my very hard earned money if it went towards our schools.

I just do not understand why we can't give our children what they deserve. I'm disgusted with this country. With our government. And with people who are lucky to have so much but aren't willing to share it with a child. Did you work hard for your millions? Good for you. I work fucking hard for my thousands too. And I'm willing to give what I can, not what I want to, but what I can for what is needed. Why aren't you??

I know these issues are more complex than this. But only because we make them so.

If all you righteous but incredibly selfish people out there are right, and there is a hell, I hope your greed one day lands you there to burn in it.

I realize this is way off topic for The Lesbian Bride, but these are mad times we live in, and sometimes my wedding just seems like the least important thing the world, and I'd rather spend my energy writing about something that really matters.

What We Really Need

Catie and I had many a debate over registering for gifts for our wedding. She was initially dead-set against it saying we don't need anything and she doesn't want anyone to get us anything. I will mention here that we are having no wedding showers, for this same reason. I don't entirely disagree, but whether we want them to or not, people who are invited to a wedding will bring a gift. And I didn't want 23 vases that I'll never use.

So then I had the idea of registering for charity. And in fact the Human Rights Campaign has a Wedding Registry. Ding. Ding. Ding.

We might not need things, but we really could use legal recognition and equal status with straight couples. And hopefully, the HRC will one day help us get that. A perfect fit. Catie agreed. Haley and Catie's HRC Wedding Registry.

Of course, many people pointed out that some people will still want to give us a gift. So we also registered the traditional way at Target and Crate&Barrel. And admittedly, that was sort of fun to do. Who didn't like making a wish list for Santa as a kid? Registering is sort of like that.

Target was easy. You sight up on line, go in, get a gun, start scanning, give the gun back, and you are on your way.

Crate&Barrel we weren't so sure about, so we asked a sales associate and the following awkward conversation happened.

"Can I help you?"
"We were interested in registering for our wedding."
"Which one of you is going to be getting married?"

Oy.

Normally I have a short temper and that kind of thing puts me off. But I've long been a Crate&Barrel fan. Even when I was broke in Boston I'd save up my pennies and stop in there for some random kitchen accessory I didn't really need. That and we both found a set of dishes we loved there, something we couldn't accomplish in Target where strangely, most of their dishes aren't microwave safe. WTF Target? Dishes you can't microwave in this day and age?

In the end we just did it on line. Much less headache.

So I'm still hoping most people who wish to generously give us something for our wedding make a donation to the HRC on our behalf, but if not, new dishes are always nice too, or a badminton set, whatever floats your boat.

Hotels, Tastings and Sound. Oh My.

This week is a busy one for the lesbian bride. And her Wife to be. And her Dad.

This week we, and by we I mean my dad, called around to area hotels to inquire about setting up a block of rooms. It was hard to decide on where to do it as there aren't really any hotels right by the wedding and reception site. Finally we decided on looking at the hotels near where my family mostly lives, which is also close to where Catie and I live. At least this way everyone will be close to each other for other goings-on or get-togethers or car-pooling or whatever.

We settled on the Crowne Plaza in Wauwatosa. Catie and I have been inside it before and it is really nice. They did not give the "bride and groom" a free room as some other hotels were offering, but they will give us an up-grade to a suite. I didn't even know any of this was a perk of reserving a block of rooms, my dad told me and I was like, wooohooo. We weren't planning on staying in a hotel, since we live here, but I have to admit it might be nice to get ready without worrying about cat hair or a messy house or any of the other reasons being at home can be stressful. Plus it was about 30% off of their normal rate for our guests. Bonus.

Hotels of the world, you need to get with the program though, and stop asking for the bride and groom's info. My poor dad would check every single time if it was okay if it was a bride and bride. How about just asking for the happy couple's info or something?

Tomorrow we are headed to taste our food with my mom. Hopefully it tastes fantastic, because if it doesn't, we are pretty much stuck with it anyway. So I'm not sure what the point of the tasting is, but oh well - Free food!

And Friday we go look at sound equipment with my dad, who also set that appointment up for us. Thanks dad!

Love Is More Important Than Hate

This shouldn't be the reason I'm posting again after a long absence. I should be posting something happy, and there has been happy progress to post about. But alas, I felt my experience today needed to be shared.

I'll admit, its been a long while since I've personally experienced some act of homophobia, so I guess I'd sort of forgotten what it feels like. Now I remember. Although, I will say that this time I don't feel as bad as I would have in the past. I guess that is because of a lot of factors - being in a better place emotionally, having someone in my life who gives me so much love on a daily basis that hate can't possibly stand up to it, and also watching the DVD Fagbug. One of the things Erin shared while telling her story was some of the positive notes that were left on her car. And after a moment of horror at seeing this:



on my car today, I immediately thought of all the people out there with love in their hearts instead of hate, and all those little notes of positivity. I have to say, it did make me feel a bit better. Still somewhat angry, but not alone, like I used to feel.

By the way, if you were wondering what prompted the note, it was this bumper sticker:



that I proudly have on my dark blue beetle. Its a message of love. I feel a little sorry for whoever left that note on my car, I'd much rather live my life spreading love rather than hate.

On that note, I promise to get back to the business of sharing the happy details of our impending wedding in the very near future.